HolyHandbag

lomo vs. lomo

2012-01-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

I finally jumped on the iphone bandwagon, and the one thing I'm most excited about is the world of awesome camera applications this is opening up to me! I still promise to love my Canon T1i, and Shayne's Diana F+ lomo camera (cause nothing beats what those do!)

I love all the vintage photo apps on this phone, here are some I took over the last couple days using Instagram and Lumiere...

And below are photos Shayne and I took using a bona fide lomo camera, the Diana F+

Have You Ever Done Something Unforgivable?

2012-01-18T17:44:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, we went over to a friend's place to watch a movie together. Another Earth. It was one of those films that was wonderful to watch, so full of depth, but one of those films that stays with you, and changes in your mind. The thoughts spin around in waves and things trigger and click in new ways, or as the case may be, back into old ways.

The beginning of a line ... 'have you ever done something unforgivable?' was a catalyst for me, for many thoughts this week. I sit on the subway every day just listening to music with my eyes closed, retreaing into my head, imagining the things I would say to those I've hurt in my life.

I have few regrets, few real, true regrets. Those things you do or say that really are unforgivable. Those words you'll never, ever forget saying. Those things you did which you'll never have closure on. Those things you only wish you could take back, to break open your heart in apology for. Those words you know could have damaged someone you loved, in an instant. Forever.

Is it possible to ask for forgiveness after so many years? Or are things best left buried? Left unearthed. If you did something unforgivable...

The urge inside you is so strong to go back to that person, to apologize, after all this time, but it's such a fine balance. A scary one. Can an apology be seen as selfish? You apologize to both cleanse your own soul, with the true intent of cleansing theirs. But can bringing up the past again just re-open their pain once more? Maybe it's best to let them continue moving forward, as they were, without opening up that memory box all over again.

To turn the tables, a long time ago, in college, someone wronged me. Broke my heart. I had moved forward, but a little part of me was left wounded. We remained civil, friends even, but one night, many years later, and out of the blue, he apologized for what he had done so long ago. That was the moment. Everything changed in me then, and I was finally able to shed that last bit of hurt and move on. My smile grew warmth and my heart settled into pure forgiveness, and it was one of the most meaningful embraces I'd ever experienced. I want nothing more than to bring this same feeling of beautiful closure and love to someone else; that is my one intention.

We are not created emotionally equal. I can only hope that my words, if I choose to use them this time, convey only the sincerity I feel inside.

The End of Summer

2011-08-27T13:40:00.001-04:00

I realized this summer just how much I love summer in Ontario. I had this realization (profoundly) when I was driving a rental car down a country dirt road, windows open and music playing. This is a moment I have experienced every summer for years, and summer just would not be the same without it. It is such a sacred time because it is so damn short. 6 weeks is all we get, I'd say. 6 weeks of hot, summer sun. Sure there are another 6 weeks or so of warmth, but I'm talking straight hot summer time. Today is August 27th, almost time for the kids to go back to school (how I remember those days!) This time of year I'm glad that I'm no longer a student or a teacher, the day after labour day is just another regular day at work for me now.

This summer has been a good one. I can't even count the number of good times had, from learning how to hula hoop, to making a film, to camping and cottaging and all things in between. I know a few folks are upset now, dreading the thought of the impending winter season, but honestly I'm feeling ok about it. I love fall and I love Christmas time (and this will be the last of both in this apartment I've lived in for so many years - bittersweet - so I'll make the best of it) Ok, a tangent: for an apartment that was a panic pick, and supposed to be only temporary, I've lived through a hell of a lot here. I still get stuck in the past emotionally when I stare out the window, at the same view I stared at so many years ago. I still get nostalgic when I walk to the bus stop, past the same houses and gardens (mostly unchanged) that I walked by in those years past as well.

As I was saying though, I am looking forward to this coming winter. Last Christmas was so wonderful (one for the memories for sure) and so filled with 'memory moments' that it feels like only weeks ago. I can remember so clearly watching old Kids in the Hall episodes (holy mega nostalgia) late into the night, in front of my christmas tree. And I remember the childish game I created with my dad on christmas eve of "every hour all day we can open a stocking stuffer!"

I'm not sure how many more christmases I'll have at my childhood home, just as I'm not sure how many more days I have to sit here on my front porch in the sun with a beer, but I'll take it in stride I guess. We just never know these things, and that's all part of living.

New Camera!

2011-07-16T13:58:00.003-04:00

So as you all know by now, Shayne has gotten way into photography. Ever since he got his Canon Rebel T1i a year and a half ago, I stopped taking pictures completely. This was only because in comparison to the shots he could get on his camera, mine were just terrible on my point and shoot. It made it almost not worth it for me to even bother anymore as I was constantly disappointed in my results. Alas, since Shayne has now upgraded to a Canon 5D MarkII, it left the Rebel without a home. And since it was technically living in our home...I decided to buy it off of him! So there I have it, I am now the proud owner of a camera I have no idea how to operate!

My first time out with it was at the island a couple weeks ago, and what a wonderful day (not because of the camera...it was just a wonderful day!) I rode my bike back and forth all over the island in the sunshine with some snacks in my bag and my ninja hoop on my back. The highlight of my day was finding a secret little patch of beach, completely out of view of everyone, and setting up shop there. I took these pictures on my little beach between major hooping sessions! Hooping under a tree, lakeside is an amazing way to spend a day!

The water was frigid on my feet! I could only last a minute at a time before I couldn't feel my numb toes anymore, but it was so refreshingly worth it! These pictures didn't turn out so well as it was my first time out with the new camera, and again, I had absolutely no idea how to use it beyond turning it on really! I knew how to adjust the ISO and Fstop, but these are settings which were foreign to me...not knowing what an ISO or Fstop are (yeah so I went to film school and took photography classes, but I suppose too many beers have clouded my memory)

Above is my little private sanctuary, the shot is taken from the water looking back. I was hooping there, just to the right of my bike (you can see my green hoop there on the ground!)

Some of the pictures turned out too dark, or too bright as I fooled around with settings, but you still get the idea of how beautiful this location was!

See the two birds flying by just as I snapped the shot?!

It was a wonderful day on the island...up until I was suffering so much in the hot sun on my way home (I'm a redhead after all!) that I could only make it as far as Trinity Bellwoods where I completely collapsed in the cool shade!

Later on during my holidays (which are almost over boo!) I went to high park (yesterday!) Still having some difficulty with the camera, I think these pictures turned out slightly better.

Can you see the little fuzzy babies above??

I found that taking pictures of white swans in mid-day sun was near impossible. Continually over-exposed and I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. This was before I knew about the exposure setting feature :-/

So many 'models' in the park! Though it can be hard to capture the little guys who tend to move around so much! But still, look at how much better the quality of these pictures is over the ones I used to post from the snappy little one I used to use!

I hung out here with a book for a while which was heavenly. I adore all these little birdhouses, I feel like I'm hanging out in such an amazing wildlife sanctuary! Also, being that it was in the morning of a weekday, the park was practically deserted. I've never experienced high park that empty before...it was wonderful!!

Isn't it amazing that this bit of country can be found right in downtown Toronto?

I decided to wander away from my usual ground in the park, and go off in search of the more secluded nature trails. Seriously, it really feels like you've taken a trip out to the countryside, but it's reachable in about 20 stops on the streetcar! As much as I think of myself as a country girl, I don't even know exactly what poison ivy looks like, and this park is full of it...and I was wearing open sandals. A combination of stepping very gingerly and luck worked in my favour and I had no poison encounters.

Since I naturally brought my ninja hoop along again (I rarely go places without it now) I was on the lookout for a perfect, secluded place to do some dancing, and I found it in the above picture (you can see my purse and hoop leaning against the tree) I threw on my iPod for a while and hooped around the base of the tree...but always still a little shy and wary of folks who might see me from up on the road, or perhaps folks might wander from the trails (they never did)

I love this shot, it looks like this man is just out taking his geese for a walk!

This was a really hard shot to get due to the lighting, and I'm not too happy with it. Again, trying to shoot white birds in mid-day sun is super hard!

Thanks for reading! And I'll leave you with a fuzzy baby duck!

Trip Diaries of Old

2011-07-12T16:40:00.002-04:00

Alright, in going with the theme of old time reminiscing, why not post some excerpts of old trip diaries? I don't know why I do this to myself, publicly share so many things which truly can be held against me (in terms of embarrassment) But when faced with writer's block, why not quote some old stuff that's already written? Cop out? Sure, but a potentially hilarious one.

I kept consistent diaries growing up, including extremely detailed ones of those notorious family vacations. I think many of us took these vacations and road trips with the folks in the past, surely you understand! The horror they could feel like, at times, while they were happening, but how wonderful they are now, engrained in the memory. I wouldn't trade those days in for a fortune.

Prince Edward Island, Summer 1992, I was 13 years old.

Written before the trip began...
"We are going to go to town to stock up on our food I guess, and to go shopping - of course. There is just one problem - I don't have any money. I have $9.80 but I am spending that tonight on makeup"

"I was cursed today, and I am still in love with Leonardo DiCaprio"

Written during the trip...
"We are in the van right now on our way to PEI. Last night I slept on the cot in my room because I made my bed so nice and didn't want to sleep in it and mess it up so I dragged the cot into my room. Then we watched the movie Hook, it was good and long"

"About four more hours of driving until we settle down in a big Sharaton or Chimo hotel with an indoor pool, bar, sauna, exercise room, hot tub and big rooms of course, $800 a night. But if mom is paying it will probably be a cheap prostitute paradise"

Describing the hotel room... "The room is a fair size, only smaller then most. The bathroom is nice, but the style makes it so hard to move around, it's too small for my standards"

"It's 6:03pm here in Woodstock, New Brunswick. We came here to the Panorama Motel...it is NOT UP TO MY STANDARDS! The pool is OK, there is a hot tub, games room and stuff indoors, but it's not nearly as nice as the Universal. The room is orange and brown and gross. Oh yeah, I bought a shirt today, it has white and green stripes"...Later that evening, I went on and on about how great the pool and restaurant were, hmmmm I was a tough critic I guess!

"Today we had our picture taken at Grandpa's Antique Photos, I can't stop looking at our picture it is so awesome! We are going to have dinner soon (frozen pizza) You know, every night dad snores so loud and Craig and I are up all night practically talking and we whisper so mom and dad can't hear us, then every now and then we shout BOOGER!"

"Well there's no better way to start the day then a ride on the back of a horse. Today we went horseback riding"

"Mom and I went to another boardwalk while Craig and dad went to Sandspit. Mom bought a wicker duck-shaped pot-pourri holder, and I bought a little twig chair"

"WE ARE IN THE VAN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND I HAVE TO PEE! CRAIG JUST PEED OUT THE VAN DOOR"

"We went for a walk and saw the biggest salmon in the world. It was a metal fountain"

In old Quebec City, on the way home from PEI "We dined at an outdoor patio restaurant, I can't remember what it was called, but it was right beside all the little shops. It was great. In old Quebec, which is right near the water (there was a Communist Cruiser docked there) there are so many people playing the violin in the the middle of the street"

...maybe next time I'll regale you with diary entries from my BC trip when I was 15. BAHAHA!

Summer Memories

2011-07-06T17:16:00.001-04:00

It's funny the way random daily occurrences bring up memories of things past. Being that I'm on vacation, I've taken to watching some quirky little movies, and some docs on line. I was just watching a doc on the digital world we live in. They were just showing some old scenes from various interview shows which took place in the early 1990s, and I was shuttled back momentarily in time, and for some reason I just had to write about it.

Early 90s summer vacation: Laura and her brother Mark, Kim and Lindsay. Hanging out on the street, in the mall, in the yard. I remember painting furniture out back (acrylic over oil - impossible) and it began raining. That furniture was forever tainted with raindrop stains. Listening to Soundgarden, Moist, Prodigy, Pearl Jam... watching the Kids in the Hall. Constantly shooting our own spin-off, the Kids in the Closet.

I remember the sound of the ceiling fan in my living room, that constant hum which was always prevalent in our short films, or while watching the Regis and Kathy Lee show (this was before Kelly Ripa - the true old days!) I got into this weird habit one summer of recording everything I did through my days, beyond my detailed journals, to point form lists (including bathroom breaks) I was a strange kid.

I remember watching an episode of a talk show, Sally or Oprah or Camilla or Leeza...I can't remember which one, they were all the same. Anyways, this episode was about girls who thought they were ugly and unlikeable, but clearly, were not - they only suffered from their own personal disorders. I went to the hatched mirror in the front hall and looked at my reflection, and told the girl in the program that she was beautiful, it was I who was the ugly one. And then I told myself I was beautiful, but I'm not sure I believed myself.

I remember playing the piano, constantly, by ear. Craig and I had Dad's membership card to Allan Video, so we'd walk down there all the time to rent VHS movies. Curly Sue, My Girl, Three Men and a Baby... I would watch the movie, then promptly learn the theme song on the piano for the rest of the day. I had quite the movie soundtrack repertoire under my 11 year old belt!

I remember letting off fireworks with all the families on our street after the dress rehearsal for my local theatre group's annual play. I have a picture of my brother and I, kneeling over the burning schoolhouse, me wearing pounds of blue eyeshadow and red lipstick...which was of course, only left on my face from the theatre.

I remember being in the audience for the new Jonovision talkshow. I wore my leather jacket and straightened my hair. The topic was "my friend thinks she looks like a celebrity" The only one I can remember was a Drew Barrymore look-a-like. Of course, no one thought she looked like Drew Barrymore. Personally, I don't really remember, I was too concerned with how I thought I'd look on camera.

I remember furiously writing poetry and short stories, getting lost in the web of my complicated imagination. I would bring my writing books on every family vacation, weeks of rental cars across the country, my mind spanning every mile. Every attraction my parents brought my brother and I to, I would imagine I was a character entering a new (or ancient) world. I would remember every detail and use it in a story later on.

I remember spending hours at Laura's place. Laura, Kim and I pouring over magazines, cutting out pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong and Eddie Vedder and taping them to Laura's closet door. She had quite the shrine to rockstars there. And that one day when the sky turned yellow, we were sure we were about to die in a sudden tornado, we wrote death notes, for anyone who may have stumbled onto Bach Blvd. after the hurricane and would find the notes we wrote in our last moments. Young teens forever immortalized on post-its.

I could go on for hours about all of these memories, from camping to the cottage but I'd take up this entire blog I think. Anyway, cheers to summer vacation. Yeah, it isn't two months anymore, but a couple of weeks will do, and I won't lose sight of those days past.

Whale Rescue - Farallon Islands

2011-07-06T09:29:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how old this story is, but I've just heard of it, and I have to repost.

If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

Summertime Love!

2011-06-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

I'm into my second day of vacation (yay!) and the summer (though the weather would have me believe otherwise) has been great. I can't even begin to talk about all the wonderful things I've been up to this past month, but big breath in...and....

Bought a ninja hoop!

Learning a new hoop trick. But the fact that I'm no longer ten years old, coupled with hooping for 4 hours, makes for lots of bruises!

Drinking chilly cucumber water with yummy snacks with Michelle, Jill and Erin in Michelle's huge backyard.

Venturing up to Runnymede and St. Clair for the first time (which felt like heading up to Brampton) and sipping wine with Mandy and Hari (they have a treehouse!)

Driving way up north to our now-yearly tradition Great Blue cottage! Unfortunately Shayne couldn't make it this time, but the rest of the company was fantastic. Lots of rain, but it didn't dampen our spirits. Cottage love: hula hooping in the dark drizzle, loons, watching the sun rise, spening the morning with chattering geese, amazing food, campfire, old 90's movies, Mike Myers, giant family style dinner, hooping inside, hammock, BBQ, cider, wine, laughter.

First time doing laundry on College - different world and it threw me off!

Tea party shoot in music garden

Cadillac for father's day lunch

Breaking into my new townhouse complex

Drinks in Daniel and Ryan's awesome new backyard

Father's day dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's place (and enjoying the sun on their flower filled balcony)

BBQ in Erin's backyard, and teaching the girls some hoop moves in the nighttime park across the street.

Kitschy bowling on the Danforth for Mike and Marnie's pre-wedding celebration

Heading to the island again for Daniel's birthday with the same crew (almost) as two years ago!

Watching Dirty Dancing again (haha love it!)

Last day of work (yay!)

Visiting with Erica in Trinity Bellwoods, then helping Shayne with a Capoeira photo shoot (which was amazing!) I absolutely love watching it, but there is no way I'd ever attempt to try it!

Seeing the Weber Brothers again with Tess, Daniel and Sean at the Cadillac Lounge.

Starting hoop classes with Michelle tonight at the circus!

And my first attempt at taking pictures with a real camera!

Sunday Love!

2011-06-05T11:23:00.003-04:00

The mixture of morning sun, singing birds and Sting on the radio completely brought me back to 1996.

Reading all about Judi's travels in India!

First patio dinner of the season at the Beaconsfield with Shayne, Tess & Daniel (and getting mighty stuffed with a delicious curry quinoa veggie burger)

Sandals! Sandals! Sandals!

Hilarious reminiscing with Ange on the subway (so nice running into you lovely!)

Amazing breeze pouring through the window.

Painting my nails springtime yellow.

Farmer's market.

Busting through some shyness and going to my very first hoop jam in Dufferin Grove park. I now officially have a hula hoop obsession. Need more hoops!! Seriously, I wanna be a hoop dancer by the end of the summer!

Kitties curled up in little balls.

Patio dinner at Julie's with Mark & Adam.

Seeing super pregnant Christine & Jenn at Christine's shower. So nice to see them, and so nice to see them so wonderfully huge! They are due on the very same day (funny, as they are married to twin brothers!)

The wallpaper in Trelawnie's dining room. It was so gorgeous, it makes the thought of hanging wallpaper bearable!

Mornings

2011-06-01T08:46:00.001-04:00

I am not exactly a morning person, but when I do manage to get myself out of bed at an early hour, it's so great (especially in these pretty, sunny, breezy months) Last month, Shayne's schedule changed, taking him out of the house by 8am every day, which leaves me with almost two hours of time at home every morning, on my own.

The other day he asked me what I do with that time exactly, and honestly, I really just daydream! It isn't a lazy thing, its a refreshing recharge thing. I open up all the windows and get the breezes blowing through our second floor apartment.

I put some music on, make some tea, open up my laptop for some writing, get cozy in front of my livingroom window and relish the view, the breeze, the birds. When we move next summer, I wish I could take my view and my neighbourhood with me!

Sunday Love!

2011-05-29T13:25:00.011-04:00

Inspired by Gala Darling's Things I Love Thursday posts, I have decided to write my own weekly love post!

Things I Loved This Week!

This black and white photo from The Sartorialist inspiring a dream

Hula hooping for the first time since childhood at the circus festival

Pin-up & pink balloons photo shoot at Harbourfront centre (and even getting to photograph the models on a nice man's golden sailboat!)

Buying my own hula hoop in Kensington Market, and hooping for hours and hours on my front patio

Chinese Man Groove Sessions!

Dancing to '50s music at the Goin' Steady party at the Gladstone

Lip-syncing to opera with Tess (and maybe a little actual opera singing, hence the raspy voice the next day!)

Sitting out on the stoop in the sun drinking cider

Almost walking into the fun folks' high times kite booby trap, and promptly getting hugged by a very happy-high stranger

Strapless shirts & long flowy skirts

Getting a little lost in the CNE grounds at Exhibition GO (but it was such a lovely warm sunny day!)

Laying in bed listening to the sounds from outside while recalling dreams

This picture of a piano tree!

Riding my bike for the first time this season to the U of T campus secret garden

Watching Maria do Chihiro's colourful make up for the truck lot photo shoot

Chasing after my boy Simon after he escaped to the outside world for the first time in his life meow! (And met a skunk in the garden too!)

The smell of wood-burning fires & BBQs on the breeze

Buying my first juicer and losing myself in wheatgrass (ick though!) and big cups of green goodness!

Why not write your own Weekly Love post too! A wonderful way to remind ourselves of some of the good things in life!

Hula Times!

2011-05-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

Melodie of Movement by Shayne Gray

For more of this shoot, click here.

Last week, Shayne and I met up with Melodie Moore, the amazing hoop dancer known as Melodie of Movement, for a photo session. Shayne and Melodie had connected online a few weeks before that, and had arranged the meeting. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and what could possibly be a better backdrop for some awesome shots?

What I wasn't expecting, was to be completely taken by the hula hooping myself! Such a wonderful way to enjoy the outdoors, and a way to meet people too as everyone wanted to watch, try or chat about the hoops. By the time we left the park, I had met a few new people and found out that there are hoop jams happening all over town for anyone to join!

I was convinced, and instantly hooked, and was just waiting for a sunny day to get myself to Kensington market to buy myself my own hula hoop. Yesterday was finally a sunny warm day, so we jumped at the chance for a jaunt in the market. I spent the rest of the day on my front patio, hooping away to some tunes.

What a nice way to begin the summer! Though today I'm recovering from all the bumps and bruises incurred from the fun!

Summer is Coming!

2011-05-16T22:06:00.000-04:00

And in honour of that, I'm just going to post a bunch of pictures from last August...three more months until we stay in this place again!

I can't believe I never posted these shots before!

All taken by Shayne Gray of course!

Let's Take a Connected Little Walk

2011-05-15T21:46:00.002-04:00

The pictures are the walk, and the connection is the words.

These photos were taken on an actual little walk Shayne and I took last week in search of photo shoot locations.

A few weeks ago I was online, randomly reading blogs. I came across a link to something called "balancing your dosha" Hmmmm I had never even heard of a dosha before, so I clicked on it.

Wikipedia: A dosha is one of three bodily humors that make up one's constitution according to Ayurveda. These teachings are also known as the Tridosha system.

The central concept of Ayurvedic medicine is the theory that health exists when there is a balance between three fundamental bodily humours or doshas called Vata, Pitta and Kapha.

I took a little quiz to see what the balance of my dosha was looking like. I found that I'm right down the centre between an unbalanced Kapha / Pitta.

I found it interesting, but shelved it in the back of my mind, and pretty much forgot about it. Last week, I decided to finally go to the walk in clinic to see what this strange little rash I've been sporting might be. The doc said not to be concerned, that it looked like "pitta rosacea" and should go away within the week. While I was there, I took the time to explain the abdominal pain & discomfort I've been feeling as well. They did a few blood tests to make sure it wasn't anything serious, and turns out it's not (as I never heard back)

As I was walking home, I couldn't help but wonder why the word "pitta" sounded so familiar (as I said, I had forgotten about all this dosha business) So I googled pitta rosacea when I got home, and the first thing that popped up was that Chopra quiz I had done a few weeks earlier.

I went back to the info I had saved, and re-read what it had said the symptoms of unbalanced kapha / pitta were, and I found it to be strangely connected:

Out of balance Kapha leads to heaviness, sluggishness and congestion. Stimulation and movement help overcome the resistance of accumulated Kapha. Think activation and invigoration.

Out of balance Pitta leads to irritability, aggravation, and inflammation. Balancing Pitta requires opening up some space during your day so you are not perpetually generating friction. Think soothing and cooling.

Strange how the two complaints I had for the doctor directly mirrored the two unbalanced doshas I was experiencing... Seems things just may be connected after all.

So many signs of life back here in this abandoned lot...kind of creepy!

Location for our accordion shoot!

Seasons Change

2011-05-03T10:12:00.000-04:00

Trianon

2011-05-03T09:17:00.002-04:00

Have you seen that movie called "Sliding Doors?" I don't remember much about it now, but I remember the idea: every little decision we make shuttles us in a different direction, so where would you be now had you turned left that day, instead of right?

As I've spoken about many times here before on this blog, listening to music on my iPod while traveling through the city always does a number on my brain. I have a tendency to be transported over and over and over again during a simple commute, as every song has personal meaning, sometimes too much (I have to skip these songs).

On Sunday, a friend of mine was in town from Ottawa so we met for dinner in my old neighbourhood of Queen & Broadview, where I lived circa 2004. Simply being in that neighbourhood wrapped me up in the past, and I felt like I had gone back in time. Then, I took the King streetcar home, past my old vet, all the rug shops, my most favourite building in the city (I'm pretty sure!) that I had actually forgotten about, near Parliament (it's an old, boarded up thing that belongs in a pioneer village - and I wholeheartedly love it's wood covered windows and ancient brick exterior)

For some reason, this building fills me with so much warmth.

Passing that building was around the time I began thinking of the sliding doors theory, and wondering where my many 'break off' points have been. The girl I was in the Broadview days, the St. Patrick days, the Davisville days, the Ossington days...all different versions of the same girl. All the steps I took during those days, somehow brought me here, to this day. I treasure all these steps so much (ridiculously so) and wonder how everyone I knew in those spheres is faring.

My old house on Broadview, we lived on the second floor. I planted forget-me-nots, my favourite flowers, in the little side yard, where I'd spend sunny mornings. The dying pine tree was always filled with sparrows.

Had I taken different steps, had I conducted myself a little less selfishly, would things be different now? Sometimes, I wish so, but all is so very fragile.

And lastly, why did I call this post Trianon? Simply that it was the name of the store I was passing, while on the streetcar when I thought of this post.

Screaming Days

2011-04-26T15:43:00.004-04:00

Picture by Shayne Gray

Some days, all you really want to do is scream or break down in tears, you know? Everything going wrong all around you with such consistency that you keep thinking it couldn't possibly get worse, but then it does, and it keeps getting worse. You try your hardest not to burst forth into the tears that are just behind your eyes, and would spring out if not for that next wrong thing that happens (distracting you from the tears) Just breathe, and remember that it could absolutely be much, much worse.

Even now, my fingers ache because the keys on my laptop stick so much from that cider spill a while back...I have to pound so hard on these keys even to type this. But I don't lose sight of that fact that even through the rain and the seemingly non-existent transit system, yes, it could be worse.

On my way to the hairdresser today, I got caught in downpour #1. No big deal really, I'm heading to the salon anyway. But I get my curly hair dry-cut, and now since it was no longer dry, my stylist decided to wash it first, and cut it wet. I need not really say any more than I didn't get a good cut today. But, no matter, it's only hair (but I really don't like it)

Photo by Shayne Gray

After the salon, I had to head to the tax office to drop off my taxes, decided not to walk up to the subway, but rather, wait for the streetcar. Wait and wait and wait...the blustery cold wind getting worse and worse, just keep telling myself to stay calm. If I had known it would take so long, I could have walked faster. Streetcar packed to the gills (of course) but I squeezed on best I could. It hit traffic and took a while to get down to my next stop...where I waited and waited and waited again. That same cold wind freezing my fingers beyond cold, and that's when I remembered that there are no streetcars on Dundas right now because of construction. But weren't there supposed to be busses? After 20 minutes of waiting, no bus in sight, and then the rain began to fall again. Downpour #2 and no bus in sight. This is about the moment I began to feel like I was going to cry, but instead of crying, I decided to walk in the cold, driving rain. The crying feeling wouldn't go away so I cranked up my iPod near as loud as it would go to drown out the frustration, hoping for an angry song to drown out my mood. Instead, a catchy, happy song came on which made me feel a little better.

At this point, my new, bad haircut was even more destroyed by the wind and rain making me feel even worse about myself. Trying to pull myself together (and still fighting off the frustration tears) I slipped on a wet, metal manhole cover. As I recovered, my mind went to the poor people in the war-torn country in the book I'm reading right now. At least I haven't lost my home or my family...it can always be worse so count your blessings (is what I kept telling myself) as I slipped again on yet another metal grate in the sidewalk.

Made it to the tax office, dropped off the package and just wanted to get home to practice my singing, and didn't I step in dog poo? Of course I did. I think I just need a nap or something, and have a dream of a perfect day.

Just a Little Important Post

2011-03-14T15:24:00.001-04:00

I have been reading a little lately about self love, and I'm seriously starting to see how insanely important this is. Like many (most?) women, I have always suffered from a degree of self depreciation, those thoughts that I am never good/pretty/smart/funny/thin/cool/interesting enough...and the list goes on and on and on.

Over the last couple years though, I've finally been busting out of this more and more. I'm not there yet, not sure if I'll ever truly and completely be there, but I know I can be damn well close. I've posted before about treating yourself the way you would wish your 'child self' to be treated, and since then I've been building on these beliefs. It really comes down to this: if you wouldn't tell a child the things you tell yourself, then you shouldn't be saying them at all. You were a child once, and that child is still in you, so why would you ever tell yourself that you are too fat/stupid/ugly...etc etc? All you are doing is looking directly into the eyes of your child self, and telling her these things. It's horrible and it's hurtful.

I'm realizing that it isn't as hard as you might think to take a path of self love. Of course, I still feel awkward and obsessively aware of how I'm being perceived when I'm out in public, but I'm also finding a balance between that, and simply not caring anymore. Truth be told, most people are far to busy judging themselves, and worried about how they look to outsiders to be at all concerned with how you look. So cut yourself a break.

Next time you start shit talking yourself (even if only in your own mind) stop and think: would you say those things to your best girlfriend? To your sister, mother or grandmother? Well then why do you think it's ok to say these things to yourself? The answer: it's not ok.

Now, if I'm at a party or out in any social situation, and I begin to feel too self aware, self judgmental and the shyness begins to creep in, I don't tell myself off about it or pretend to be someone I'm not. I simply just let myself feel how I feel, and accept that that's ok. I'm human, we're all human, and believe it or not, we all suffer from the same basic afflictions. So let's all just be kinder to ourselves, and to each other. Feel the love, show the love, love yourself and love those in your life.

**All photos by Elena Kalis**

Waiting for More Rain

2011-03-13T17:10:00.001-04:00

Springtime is so close! I actually want more rain now to wash away the pretty white snow (that I wished for months ago) I want high park and the beach and the lake (which unfortunately we can't swim in) and patios and evening walks surrounded by the sound of crickets.

As lethargic as I've been feeling, I do want to make some plans to make the ol' life a better one heading into the summer. This winter was a whirlwind of new activities for me (singing lessons, cello performance, indie film crew volunteering, first house purchasing) and I want to build on these things. I'm realizing how nice it can be to have a full schedule because it forces me out there, even when I'm feeling less inclined to leave the warm comfort of home.

Yoga would be nice. Building up better relationships with my good friends (and also a couple old friends I haven't seen in years) Writing more (of course), possibly finding the time to take cello lessons (although that would be a lot of practice time between that and singing lessons). I've come up with a personal four week spiritual cleanse idea that I just need to design a bit better for myself.

Sadly this year, I don't believe there will be too many trips taken, as the money I make will be going into the new house. However, I have come up with the idea to finally take myself up on my wishes, and spend a week or two (during my summer vacation) up north working and living at the beautiful organic bakery in Lion's Head. I love baking and I'm craving nature, so they seem to go hand in hand.

These are just a few fun shots that Shayne and I did yesterday afternoon. Ok I had nothing to do with them, I just stood there with an umbrella! All genius is his.

2011-02-23T18:48:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have known me for a long, long time, I need not say a word to preface this video. I don't even need to say how much I love her.

Springtime

2011-02-23T17:07:00.001-05:00

Dreaming of spring right now, and what a great little soundtrack to do so!

How Fast Time Moves!

2011-02-12T15:11:00.009-05:00

Photo by: Sofia Ajram

Looking at the date of my last post, so long ago! Things have been so busy over here on happyrock, I haven't done any writing. Life definitely has a way of changing in an instant sometimes, when you are least expecting it to, and when you haven't done any planning in that direction.

I did not make any resolutions this year, but I had this drive in me to face up to some fears. Surprisingly, I have! I wasn't consciously thinking about these things too much I guess, until someone recently asked me "what's new?" my usual response of "not much" popped out of my mouth first, but then I stumbled back. "Wait a minute! That's not true at all!" And as I began listing all of the things in my life that actually were shiny and new, I felt quite a sense of accomplishment.

Since the turn of 2011, I have found myself taking singing lessons (something I've wanted to do my whole life but been too shy), volunteering for an independent film production company (we've done a zombie movie and a funny, naked lover's quarrel movie so far) performing at a bar with my cello (something only in my most wishful dreams for years) and even, surprise, buying my first house.

All of these things compiled into one month, and the year has only just begun!

Photo by: Shayne Gray

The cello performance at the bar was quite the experience. I am not a proficient player, but I've always (not so) secretly wished I were. Enter an opportunity to play my cello in public, with no rehearsal neccessary. I terrifyingly took the chance. My nerves disappeared as soon as I arrived at the bar, there was so much fun in the air, I felt instantly relaxed.

Photo by: Shayne Gray

I calmly took my seat among the other musicians, in front of the audience, and waited while the sound guy adjusted my mic. I have never played into a mic before...gulp! But still, I felt confident. However, from the first note played on the giant alto sax behind me, I realized there would be a bit of a problem. I only play by ear, and don't know what sound will come out of my cello until I play it. With the volume of all the various instruments around me, I couldn't hear myself. Eek! This meant, by the time I played a note loud enough to even know if it was the correct note, everyone in the bar would already be hearing that note, and chances are, it would be the wrong one. I panicked a bit, but hid it well and decided to pretend to play with gusto and confidence (when really my playing was a little understated a quiet) I realized that even to improvise, it's best to have a better understanding of your instrument. I guess cello lessons will be next on my line of life experiences.

Now, as for this new house thing: the papers are not officially signed, and once they are, I won't actually be living in this house for nearly two years (construction has yet to begin) I've already been decorating it in my mind. And so, here I can dream a little.

I have a little front patio, not unlike this little cafe above. It's not quite big enough to have an entire terrace set up, but I could most definitely fit a little table and chairs like this there!

I'm going to have an office nook, and though I will not have a window, how romantic would it be to recreate this? Throw in a pile of old books, some candles and a quaint little corner shelf, and there you have a dreamy little writing corner.

The living room is small, but why not use this trick of putting the couch in front of the breakfast bar? It's space saving, but we may have to dodge the toast crumbs while cleaning the counter!

And finally, another solution to a small space: shelves!

Do You Remember What It Was Like To Be A Child?

2011-02-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

The Ice Book from Davy and Kristin McGuire on Vimeo.

Joy to be Found in the Moments

2011-01-05T12:21:00.012-05:00

Infrared Photo by Shayne Gray

Today is my last day of holidays, a wonderful holiday. As usual, I'm feeling nostalgic for two weeks ago. Ever filled with thoughts of "this time last week..." it can be difficult for me to move forward, although moving forward cannot be avoided. I've been focusing more these days on feeling the joy of the moment, instead of the nostalgia for moments past, or even the pointlessness of moments sometimes...

Around five years ago, I was watching a little home video of one of my cats playing. In the background, you could hear the sound of me doing the dishes. I was overwhelmed with a feeling that can only be described as depression. What hit me so hard was the pointlessness of it all. There I was, doing dishes, a task that would never, ever end. For the rest of my existence, I'd be doing dishes, but why? I thought, 'is this the whole point of life? Doing the dishes and these other monotonous, daily tasks?' It felt awful. I felt like everything I had done in my life, all the studying, experimenting, growing up, living, laughing and loving had brought me nowhere but to the sink. To do the dishes.

Yesterday, as I spent the day cleaning up the house (and doing the dishes) I remembered this feeling I had had, and decided to turn it around. After all, the dishes do need to get done, but there's no reason to get depressed over it. Instead, I just began thinking of it as a positive thing: I'm doing the dishes, everyone does the dishes, I'm not alone in this task, and though it isn't the most exciting activity, its an activity none the less, and I am able to do it. So why not think of other things as I wash? Things that bring me joy, like the very fact that I am living, weather or not I'm doing the dishes or travelling through Rome, I am here right now and really loving the moments I have.

Now about the nostalgia... I'm nostalgic for the days I spent on my own wrapping gifts, watching Bridget Jones' Diary, the night I stayed up in front of my Christmas tree watching old episodes of The Kids in the Hall. I'm nostalgic for being at my parents house (the last Christmas in that house), laughing so hard all day on Christmas Eve, watching HGTV, as my dad and I begged my mom every hour to be allowed to open one stocking stuffer (and we did). Now here I am, my last day of holidays, Christmas is over, and work begins again. How sad is that?

But then really, why be sad and nostalgic for times past? As I was doing my dishes yesterday, I was thinking about this in another way. Instead of being sad that times are gone, be happy that you were able to live them. If something brought you joy at a certain moment, then there shouldn't be any sadness to be found there. Life will never stop, no matter how much you try to stay in the past, in your head. So take pleasure in the moments as they are happening, because the moment you are living right now, may one day be a nostalgic memory...but hey, you are in that moment, right now! So really live it, and enjoy.

There are so many more wonderful moments to come, so be open to those moments. Instead of feeling depressed about the pointlessness of cleaning, I'll just enjoy the cool breeze blowing the curtains as I clean instead (in the springtime, of course!) I'll enjoy the music playing on the radio, and why not dance a little in the hallway?

Today I'm going to make the most of my day. Even though I want to hole up again in front of my heater, I'm going to go out and enjoy the sunshine. Stock up on good wine and groceries, and I'm going to finally finish that book I can't seem to finish; at the Argentinian cafe where I will not have the internet to distract me!

Fiona Apple - "Why Try To Change Me Now" from Andrew van Baal on Vimeo.

Crawling out of the Woodwork

2010-12-18T16:35:00.007-05:00

Best Lawn Display Ever!

My Christmas Tree!

It's December 18th, almost the end of the year, and almost the end of the Presence Process. Shayne is away in Vancouver right now, so I'm left here with some time to reflect, so to speak. It felt good to turn 32 this year, no particular reason, but it feels like it'll be a good year, and I actually feel stronger to turn older, proud almost.

Shayne took me for High Tea at the Windsor Arms!

This year was pretty uneventful, and pretty lethargic on my part. I think I may have strayed farther away from my creativity then I have in a long time, but I hope this will all change. I'm not expecting it to change on it's own, but rather, I have some plans to work on fixing this problem. I've been (nearly) completely alcohol-free for nine weeks now, one more week to go. This is a feat I am most proud of, as I never took myself to be a person who could manage in any social situation without alcohol. Honestly, in almost 15 years I haven't ever attended a function without a beer or a glass of wine in my hand, but these past few months, I've done this over, and over, and over again, and you know, it's not half bad. It kinda allows me to find joy in things that are 'real', the fun people around me, the jovial conversations and rounds of 'Mord le Sac' (played sober it is actually easier!) I have found that it's easy not to drink at parties and bars because there is certainly enough stimulation to keep my mind fun and active, alas I admit, I'm looking forward to drinking without guilt! One more week to go.

Was out 'acting my age', appropriately until 5:30am this morning (getting older and not drinking do not have any bearing on staying out until the wee hours playing crazy games). It was Daniel & Ryan's annual Christmas party which is always a blast, and always a very, very late night. Our traditional, and painful, party game normally doesn't even begin until round about 3am, when most of the guests have gone home.

A funny thing has been happening more and more frequently though, and this is what brings me to the title of this post. It seems that the world is shrinking, as I tend to run into people from my past in the most random ways. A good friend of mine brought her new guy to the party last night, and I did a triple take when I saw him. He used to live with another very good friend of mine, many years ago, and here he was, after so many years.

This happened on Halloween too. Before heading to Lee's Palace, I followed some friends to a house party being hosted by the cousin of my friend's colleague, totally random right? Turns out the 'cousin' (host of the party) is the best friend of an old friend of mine. We had an evening of beers together a year ago, and of course, his friend (my old friend) was also there, along with another guy we had hung out with over 6 years ago. There are random reunions happening everywhere to me these days, it's amazing.

Anyway, this new year will be starting off with a detox (I have never done one before), singing lessons (already paid for by Shayne, loves) and a 12 week creative process workshop. All I need to buckle down with after all of this, is my cello. We've been apart too long!

Daniel & Ryan's Wedding

Chanel No.5

2010-12-18T14:45:00.001-05:00

I actually love this!

By Baz Luhrmann.

Wise Words From a Wise Man

2010-12-03T15:13:00.005-05:00

I have often thought about the whole realm of commenters online, and it makes me crazy. I don't have to deal with it personally, as this little blog of mine is very obscure, but I know that many people out there do deal with this on a daily basis. There are negative haters the world over.

You could post a funny video of a cute kitten and there will be more then a few people who hate it and bash it. That's the thing with the internet, the anonymity brings out the worst in people, and they'll say the most negative things just because they can. It'll never stop. I understand that there is always room for opinion and debate, but it is so often directed personally at people, turning opinion into insult.

So why would a beautiful post on a very public forum, boasting HDR photography receive over 200 comments, many of which simply putting down the art-form as unaccepted and unrealistic? Of course, art will always be a matter of opinion, but that's what makes it interesting. Art is subjective. So why all the hate?

Anyway, this very impersonal rant of mine is simply because I wanted to share some wise words from a very wise man I know: my boyfriend.

HDR photo by Shayne Gray

So funny how people get so bent out of shape and borderline offended by HDR.

In the mid-1800's Gustave Le Gray (and others-see works by Oscar Gustave Rejlander for example) put negatives together to produce a single image. He overexposed for the water (with blown out sun and sky), then underexposed for the sun/sky (with water clipped in dark shadow). People have been debating the integrity and validity of these techniques ever since. 150 years later...here we are still mud-slinging over the very same issue!

funny that....

I personally think that HDR can definitely be overdone, though I think it can be a very cool effect when used "properly". But even if it isn't...why should we argue about it? Even if it's totally unrealistic...someone created that image because it was interesting to them. I think that should be valid enough whether I like it or not. If I'm a photographer why should I have to depict things exactly as they are? On the one hand, HDR can help us get closer to the dynamic range our eye sees, though it's still a long way off. On the other hand even if it's "unreal" or unbelievable, we can think of it as taking something out of nature and creating something new just as many other art forms do.

Other visual artists strayed from realism long ago, and despite heated debate, it has become now more widely accepted to paint vertical and horizontal lines filling the boxes with red, yellow and blue. So why should this not be accepted in photography?

Does a musician have to mimic the sound of the wind in the trees?

And speaking of music, if I don't like...say...Brittany Spears...what difference does it make if I publicly say how terrible I think her music is? Lots of other people seem to like it. I can still have my opinion and others who like it can have theirs - really it's a moot point to argue whether it should be there or not....

Does "the overuse have to end"? If I don't like...I won't look at it. When Brittany Spears comes on the radio...I'm well within my right to change the channel!

This really is an interesting topic and the discussion could go on all day. I'll try and post a discussion within the week for anyone who's interested at: www.shaynegraylearnsphotography.blogspot.com

2010-11-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

Underwater Carousel from Elena Kalis on Vimeo.

Right Now...

2010-11-21T18:27:00.002-05:00

I would like to put on a big, warm parka, and sit in a snowy forest. Listening only to the sound of the creaky trees, muted by the falling snow.

That's what I'd like to do.

Wednesday Funny!

2010-11-17T07:50:00.002-05:00

My Current Warm Little Corner

2010-11-14T19:15:00.001-05:00

Film School Photo Story

2010-11-14T14:33:00.007-05:00

The long, long drives I used to take to school, on my own, in my two-toned burgundy Dodge Caravan. Never ending, winding, farm strewn roads, seasons changing again and again around me, road kill becoming once again, one with nature, day by day. I drove those roads in daylight and darkness, with smiles and wind tousled hair flying out the sun-drenched windows, and I drove those roads in tears. Many, many tears…rain down, come on rain down on me, from a great height… I was an emotional girl.

The first time I made that living-memory drive, I nearly drove right off the road, my burned rubber tire tracks remaining there until they covered with snow. It was my first day of college, and it seemed as if the stress and anxiety had gotten the best of me. That drive has come to represent my entire college existence. It’s funny how these things come to be, how the trip you take every day, solely because there’s no better way, becomes an extension of you; a glitter-filled snow globe holding three years of your life inside.

Beyond the drive, what I think of most when I recall these times is the snow. I can’t be sure if these thoughts have manifested from the winter weather which surrounded my drama filled birthdays (everything was always drama with me) or from the projection of winter we watched that day in film class. A silent 8mm film reel someone had found at a stranger’s garage sale. We loaded it up onto the projector, turned out the lights, and all sat in silence. I feel like we all connected with each other a little that day, all eyes on the flickering screen, a black and white image of an elementary school in winter. The snow fell softly on screen, settling on the shoulders of wool coat clad mothers ushering their children into the school. And that was all.

I remember it was snowing the morning Erin and I got together to re-do my 16mm Bolex film project. She filmed me, standing in front of a church in my black pea coat, laughing as I pretended to break off my fingers, which had turned to ice inside my inexpensive gloves. We were out there on Lakeshore, in the cold, that morning before class because I had screwed up the day before. The project, that is, not the day. The day lives happily on.

The assignment: load up a Bolex and shoot some pretty footage, and also, create a photo storyboard with a still camera. I teamed up with good friends Erin, Drew, and Wes, and took my maroon van to Toronto to have some fun with this project. As the boys were off with their camera, Erin and I were in the back of the van, in a parking garage, trying to load the film into ours. How does one do this? Well, you need a dark bag of course so as not to expose the film, which means you must do it by feel. The other rule: you must set your camera to 12 frames per second. I don’t remember exactly why, but I did this, as instructed, and managed to successfully load the camera.

So proud of ourselves, Erin and I hopped out of the van to meet up with the boys and shoot all of our pretty footage around town. After a fun few hours of filming, we decided to turn into a deli for a coffee and a snack. It was one of those days when you find yourself in the company of great friends, feeling like everything is right in the world, with an honest to goodness smile on your face. I popped into the bathroom and my silly smile continued as I sat there, happy, on the toilet, until… It wasn’t anything bathroom related that wiped that smile off my face, but the memory, time-traveling through my mind like the tracking shot out of the garbage can in Fight Club, back to the van in the parking garage. TWELVE FRAMES PER SECOND! I hadn’t set the camera speed back to 24 after loading. What I had on my hands was an entire film shot in fast motion. The assignment was lost, to be re-shot the next morning, half-assed in Oakville, cold in front of a snowy church.

After we left the Toronto deli, we decided to drive back to Oakville, and complete the photo storyboard assignment there, at our usual Coffee Time. This way, we could get the work done and enjoy a coffee at the same time. These were the days when I whole heartedly did enjoy a coffee from Coffee Time. Oh, and throw in a bagel with cream cheese for good measure.

The photo storyboard project was a hilarious success, bringing me closer than ever to the Coffee Time floor.

I am lucky enough to have been able to keep these treasured shots, as they were taken with my mom’s old Pentax. Erin is missing from the shots as she, obviously, was the photographer. Rounding out this memorable day, we found ourselves back at Drew’s (or was it Wes’?) apartment, sitting on his bedroom floor sorting through the pictures, listening to The Wall, and reliving memories related to Comfortably Numb.

Its hard to believe that this day was thirteen years ago, it hardly seems possible. The maroon van is long gone, and those long, country roads are no longer country at all, rather they are subdivision strewn. The road kill graves long paved over now with 8 lane highways and guard rails, but regardless, the air is the same, and my heart still beats a little faster when I’m there.

And as a little post script: A few other photos from 1997…

Every Friday, lunch specials at the Chinese place across the street.

Jesus cursing God for being locked out of his car. God complied and sent the keys down from above.

Every break, we'd all gather here outside the doors. Erin! Smoking!

Jesus spent a lot of time in Oakville.

Inseparable.

Every party ended at the 24hr Coffee Time.

Happy Season!

2010-11-05T21:25:00.007-04:00

It snowed the other day. And while most of you groaned and grumbled, I plain burst into smiles. Although I don't like being cold (my hydro bill likely displays that largely) I do absolutely love the snow. This time of year is so festive for me, and it all starts round about the beginning of October.

Do you remember being a kid, back in grade three or four, all festive seasons brought with them lots and lots of crafts, glorious crafts! Glitter and glue and sticky paper chains. Not just any glue, but the amber coloured kind in the little clear plastic bottle with the red rubber top that was always gummed up from the previous season's crafts.

Halloween was the first of the super fun, crafty seasons. It felt like all day we could sit at our desks creating works of art that we knew were better than anything any adult would find in any grand gallery. The memories of paper pumpkins and shoebox haunted houses fill me with so much warm love. The tall windows of our classrooms stuck haphazardly with coloured construction paper.

As Halloween grew nearer, then began the anticipation of the big night, and the costume. My mom would labour for a week over my, and my brother's, costumes. These were no cheap satin pre-made numbers from Value Village, she would personally pick out fabrics from that old fabric store on McLaughlan with the circle window in the front. After days of threads, pins and patterns, my brother and I would emerge in bright green and blue clown suits complete with pompoms and rosy red, lipsticked circles on our cheeks. I would be smiling, and my brother would be crying...until the first gumball was dropped into his bag, and those tears were quickly no longer!

Halloween still brings back all of these warm feelings based on the memories of these times; I melt at the sight of a crooked hilltop house surrounded by bats. The October heartwarming session flows perfectly into the beginning of that coveted, special season: Christmastime.

For some people, the very word 'Christmas' evokes stress, anger, upset and frazzle-dazzle (a new word perhaps?) but I happen to have a not-so-secret love affair with this time of year. This is much to the dismay of Shayne, but I admit, he is wonderful at allowing me my fun (as long as he doesn't have to hear more than one carol per day).

Is it so bad to want to put up my tree now? It has snowed once already this year, and it's damned cold out there which I think warrants a Christmas tree no? The word 'tree' does not properly describe my 'tree' though. My 'tree' is a tiny, foot tall cluster of green plastic, so squashed and destroyed for having spent 15 years in boxes and closets, but no matter. Come mid-November this little guy (that only needs a little love) pops out of the closet, it's pre-strung lights ready to be plugged in for instant Christmas gratification.

I recall one Christmas Eve, way back in time at our house on Elliott street. This would have put me around four years old. I was alone in the living room, falling asleep on the couch in front of the Christmas tree. In my memory, I was sleeping there that night, and everyone else had gone to bed. I was on the couch in anticipation of Santa Claus's arrival as I did not want to miss him, but at the same time, I was absolutely terrified of actually seeing him. I had my little face buried in my little hands, with my eyes squeezed tightly shut. Every now and then I'd peek out from behind my fingers (the way we all do during scary movies) to see if Santa was there in front of me. I was always a mixture of sad and relieved when he was not. This continued on until I fell asleep, and finally woke up. In my own bed. Looking back I can see that my parents were humouring me by letting me think I was big enough to sleep in the living room, but then swiftly carrying me off to bed when I actually fell asleep. To this day, my parents insist on keeping the Santa gifts securely hidden until after my brother and I have gone to bed, so we can still be surprised on Christmas morning. We'er 30 & 32 years old respectively. That's awesome spirit-keeping-aliving!

These days, one of the first things I'm looking forward to (other then the city turning into a giant Christmas conglomeration santa snow-globe) is my own personal tradition. For the past five years or so, I take a day to myself after all the gifts have been purchased, and I wrap them all while sitting on the floor, and watching "Bridget Jones' Diary". This is my Christmas movie, now even beyond "A Christmas Story" and "Christmas Vacation". My little date with Bridget melts my heart every time, and it's only seven weeks until this day comes, and I plan on savouring every moment of these weeks! And with that, merry early Christmas! ...but don't judge me for that.

Metaphorical Journeys

2010-11-04T21:54:00.008-04:00

Photo by Shayne Gray

Being a human is such a bizarre thing sometimes. Being able to go so far beyond just 'being' and into the realm of thinking and processing and planning and dwelling and analyzing and even over-analyzing is a hardship sometimes. From the day we are born, there is so much pressure on us to 'be' a certain way, and we are so oblivious to this that its crazy. Inevitably, something happens along the way which causes us to start becoming aware that this bubble we have been brought up in is mighty thin, and then pop; and there's no going back. Or is there?

I thought I was happy enough growing up, going through middle school, high school, college and entering the work force - this is what everyone did, and I wasn't about to stray from the ordained, 'proper' pathway, because I was too afraid. Even though the entire timeline of this existence of mine felt invariably wrong. I was putting on smiles all over the place, but was going through some major motions all along. I couldn't even giggle with the girls naturally, for fear I was giggling incorrectly. Minute by minute was truly just comparison by comparison. There was no such thing as peace, let alone peace within myself, within my own existence. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me.

Decades of feeling, knowing, that it was me that had the problem. I prided myself on being two steps ahead of everyone else because I knew what looked stupid, and I stayed away from the 'stupid' so painstakingly, that I could not see that no one was judging me, as everyone else was too busy judging themselves to be concerned with the quiet, fat redhead in the corner. What I thought was being steps ahead of everyone else, was in fact being miles and miles behind.

After a quarter of a century of pretences, I read a book that popped that bubble so fast, so explosively, and that was it. Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I won't go into details about the book itself, and in fact, this book has nothing at all to do with the personal plight of a young, disturbed (read: normal) woman. What it did was alert to me that there was something bigger out there then my muddled head, and that there were larger problems to be woken up to.

Though this may sound like a wonderful, enlightening moment, it wasn't. Though pivotal, it was terrifying, almost too much to take in. There is a lot of weight and burden out there, outside of our delicate bubble, and there is no amount of preparation any school can do to ready us for this. It's a realization most of us will come to eventually, but all we can be prepared for is feeling small, and likely beyond helpless, until we start to figure it all out; until we start to see that the beauty lies in simply being able to 'be'.

Needless to say, I have been overwhelmed for more than a few years now, and for good reason. I've spent countless hours in therapy (both professionally, and in the form of amazing friends) trying to find some peace in this world, but all that was happening was that I was becoming more and more disheartened and angry with the human race. It's so easy to have this complex that you are above everyone else (and in our own little worlds we are, because we are the sole inhabitants of our heads) but really, when you live this way, you will become infuriated often. Guaranteed. It wasn't until I started realizing that it isn't everyone else I can change, it isn't the world at large I can change, it's only me that needs to change. I have since lost faith in therapy (the professional kind only) because I find it so hard that someone who isn't me, who doesn't know me or how I feel, can dictate what steps I should take, to feel the way they think I think I want to feel. Understand?

Something had to change, and this is where the quitting drinking and meditation comes in. I've been open about this with a few of my friends, but it baffles me how when the opportunity came up to tell someone about this process who really deserved to know, I couldn't spill. For those who are curious, I'm taking a ten week 'course' called the Presence Process. Make of that what you will, it's a personal thing only. Part of this process is unearthing suppressed emotions, bringing them up to the surface and coming to terms with them. After a few weeks in, this wasn't really happening, until it caught me blind-sided, during a lovely dinner with an old friend. I flipped, or rather, something flipped in me, and she, the first witness to my new (old?) emotional outburst was the first person I did not tell about this process. No reason, simply that I didn't realize that this is what was happening to me until I embarked on my solo walk home.

When I realize now that all this long suppressed, emotional bullshit began flying across the table, my friend was likely left in the confusing dust a little. She'd never seen me act quite like that before. So now I think, do I tell her? Do I lay to rest the whys of that particular situation? Well, no, actually. I guess sometimes personal journeys are meant to be taken alone, and you have to be careful divulging this sort of thing. If you aren't ready to take on the criticism of others, don't talk about 'emotional journeys' as that is bound to receive criticism.

So for the next couple of months, I'm just going to have to bear with myself, and hope that my loved ones can do the same. As I have come to understand: the only way out is through.

Twelve is the New Eighty

2010-10-27T21:28:00.005-04:00

Here's the thing: I have mentioned countless times here that I am hyper nostalgic. It's exhausting. I love the past with a passion, really, too much. I tire out in minutes listening to music on the bus as I'm shuttled through a hundred memories just based on the songs that play - I don't get through more then five seconds of each song just because five seconds is enough to remind me of all these moments. It's overwhelming.

So, I've decided to try and remedy this problem (which I never really thought was a problem until I started thinking about it even more)...enough is enough, the mind has to slow down and take a back seat to the being. I've quit drinking and I meditate twice a day, without fail. It's only been a couple of weeks, and it'll last until Christmas. Christmas day will by my first glass of goodness in months. It's called self discipline, and it's good for ya. I've also migrated over to using products that are the epitome of organic and rate a healthy low score on the Skin Deep Database. Check it out. Saving myself and the planet, one face wash at a time.

Onto another story. I was at my parents place not too long ago for Dad's birthday, and Mom mentioned a place of old: the Ontario Agriculture Museum. This is a place that has lived nostalgically in my mind for.ever.

I think I was perhaps in my early teens when I spent an afternoon there with my parents (when most other teens were smoking behind a barn, I was touring one with a pamphlet in hand) I had a romance with times of old, I wanted nothing more then to reincarnate as a pioneer back in the 1800's (if that's even possible to reincarnate into the past) In fact, I even had big dreams of opening a "resort" that would mean living in a 'pioneer' house in 'pioneer' times, doing your own gardening and lighting your own fire...funny, even my parents didn't believe in that one.

I adored pioneer villages of any kind. I could have found myself at home writing with a quill at a rickety desk in any corner of any log n' mud cabin. In fact, I can safely say that I wanted to move into all of the pioneer villages I've toured in my time (side note: if you think it's odd to tour so many pioneer villages, let me tell you that I've done worse - my family once toured a motel room-true story)

The hilltop "winter / summer" house of the Agriculture museum was where I was going to live one day, I knew it. I would get married in the tiny chapel in front of which my Dad and I posed for a photo in prayer, me in my 'Blossom' hat, choking back laughter.

The enormous barn holding all the old cars, sun streaming in through the slatted roof creating a cavern of dusty light. It was right out of the Thorn Birds. And of course, the gaggle of huge, honking geese we narrowly escaped with our lives. It wasn't until we walked into the dairy barn (this is sounding incredibly more nerdy the more I type, you can thank me for this insight into my rebellious teen years) that I realized that I had been there before. It all came back.

School trip, back around grade two or three, we all piled onto the bus (didn't pass the Christie water tower on that particular occasion) and spent the afternoon as a class at this very Agriculture Museum. We were herded (I know...) into the barn, sat around a TV with a VHS machine, and watched a video showing the birth of a cow. Was I the only one who was uncomfortable, squirming in my seat?

That memory shot back into my mind, as I stood there years later. It is fascinating to find yourself standing in a place you had long forgotten about, and then recalling when you were there as a child. It hits you like a strobe light.

I did tour the Agricultural Museum a few more times in life, as I got a bit older and embraced my love for all things archaic. But wait until I tell you that I was there not only to look at dairy barns, but for quilting shows. I know...why do I write these things publicly? It's called embracing your past. I happen to have a lot of fun at craft sales with my Mom, and I happen to have no problems embarrassing myself.

See now this is healthy nostalgia, I can giggle over it. I think as long as the past makes you happy, enjoy. Remember. Celebrate all those steps that brought you to this moment. But embrace this very moment even more then the past, because it's happening to you right now, and that's pretty awesome.

Love

2010-10-06T16:17:00.001-04:00

Sunny Cool

2010-09-12T16:19:00.003-04:00

Home alone this afternoon after an amazing night with amazing friends. I was just now standing in the kitchen, waiting for the coffee to boil, looking out the window at the warm/cool blue sky. I remember about four years ago, sitting on my deck, probably sometime in April. The air was warm for the first time that year, but it was a chilly warmth. That kind of Spring day where you get a little blast of warmth when the sun shines bright, but feel quite cold when the breeze kicks up.

In celebration of the sun, I grabbed a beer, my book and my blue jacket, and positioned myself to read, with cold fingers, for the afternoon. I was reading 'A Tree Grows in Brooklyn' for the second time in my life, and busy comparing in my mind, the feelings it created in me now, compared to the feelings I felt when I was a kid. The sun burned momentarily, so I threw my head back to take it in, and saw a single, orange balloon floating in the sky, dancing higher and higher in the wind. For some reason I couldn't take my eyes of that balloon, and followed it almost compulsively, until it was nearly too small to see, then completely out of sight.

Fashion, Fashion?

2010-08-31T22:37:00.004-04:00

I am not a fashionable person. At all. I know a few people who would strongly argue otherwise, but I tend to disagree with them. I know I fall prey to the same things that others do, those mornings when you assess absolutely everything in your room, and you realize that nothing is worth wearing. Seriously, this is so true! My entire life I always want to 'update my wardrobe' but I don't, because I have enough already, and I really think there are more important things then fashion, like, saving money, and understanding that fashion is ridiculously petty and unimportant.

But then there are days like today when I want to throw absolutely every last stitch of clothing into numerous cardboard boxes and ship them to my favourite charity. And then yes, start from scratch. Alas, this costs money. Not the shipping off to charity part, but the re-clothing myself part.

Then I sink back into the 'oh it's pointless, my clothes do the trick just fine' state and walk out of the house like this again. Oh how filled with effort it must be to be effortless!

And we don't want complete nakedness, do we?

Metric Does Don't Think Twice

2010-08-22T13:50:00.002-04:00

Such a meaningful song for me!

A Sunday song for you from Dylan.

By Metric

xoxo

Saturday Night Rain

2010-08-21T21:41:00.003-04:00

Saturday night after a long, sleepy day. I'm out of cat food and I was two minutes too late when I got the the store. Could ride my bike to the 24 hour place, but now, it rains.

Just watching the rain fall in heavy sheets in front of the streetlights, falling from way up above. I've never thought much about it, only watched the drops that I can see. It's so strange, all this water falling from an unseen ceiling. Just plain falling out of the sky.

Last night we closed up Reposado's patio after too much tequila and beer. I've found myself surrounded by an international crowd these past couple years, most of the folks in my life are from various other countries, with various other accents and languages. Yesterday's crowd was American and Irish, quite very Irish actually.

Put my shoes on beside Piggy, and began humming his song. This song has always been Piggy's song.

I lost myself on a cool damp night

I gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
and be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
I do things I never should do
I drink much more than I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you...

Camping!

2010-08-16T22:21:00.009-04:00

This is simply a photo post. To all my wonderful friends with whom I want to share these photos.

The amazingness that is Shayne's pictures will be coming soon!

The restaurant on the corner.

Drinking and swimming.

You shall not pass!

Oh the celebrity crossword puzzle book, how we love thee.

The view from the living room window.

The backyard.

The kitchen.

I'm sorry Daniel, but I couldn't resist posting this one for you. Tyra would be proud (but perhaps not as proud as Ryan)

Our vehicles.

Again with the posing. Amazeballs.

This is me at my sink. Where I performed my morning ablutions.

The bedroom.

"What? It's cold!"

Our party was so happenin' even Pat decided to join in.

The chauffeur transporting the Queen (and the steerer home)

I Have Been Here Many Times Before

2010-08-16T13:44:00.007-04:00

It seems that part of growing up is becoming aware of the life you've lived. I've always been a nostalgic person, and have posted about this often, but recently I've become aware that sometimes, it's more than nostalgia. It has always been said that the older you become, the wiser you become, and I feel I'm beginning to understand this a little more now. It isn't always based on what you know, but on what you have experienced, these experiences need not make you smarter, nor assist others in learning. I only mean experience in terms of what you have lived through, and how you now reflect on these moments, understanding that these moments have brought you to the place you are right now.

I am definitely referring to memories, and the feelings which come along with them. Of course, we begin developing memories almost instantly after we are born, but as we get older, we realize them better, cherish them more and appreciate ourselves a little more because of them.

I think of these things often, and this morning these thoughts hit me again, as they often do, on my walk to the bus stop. A song began to play on my ipod which wrapped my brain up in this nostalgic understanding, and I continued my way to work thinking of the many 'places' I've been in life, and how they have brought me here. I remember listening to this song years ago on repeat, drinking wine at night in my bay window, writing my heart out. Then again for days, as I made life changing decisions. Then again as I packed up everything which defined me at that time, and moved into my own apartment, with no one but myself. I grew with this song, not from childhood, but through my late twenties. I still live in that 'new' apartment (which certainly isn't new any longer) and I still make that same walk to the bus stop, past the same houses, where not much has changed except for the lives, and deaths of those who live there. Its a mirrored reflection of the girl I was when I moved there, and here I still am years later. My life is almost entirely different, and I've matured, but inside I still have the same heart. This song, coincidentally enough, was played at the end of an old favourite TV show, to wrap up the lives, and deaths, of the central characters.

Every now and then, this song pops up in my travels and wraps me up in moments which have brought me here. It has become a small reminder of who I am, a song to bring me back into a place of understanding and appreciating how I got here. Sometimes, as strange as it may be, I find it's so important to sit (or walk) with myself, and just remember, to give some time to those important memories while they are still reachable.

It's so easy to become lost in the immediate world around you, and to pay no attention to the life which carried you here. It's amazing how many little things you can remember if you only take the time out to think. I believe everyone owes themselves this, even if only a little. It can be very sad because these times are gone, becoming only fragments of memories, but keeping them alive in your mind is a way of paying homage to yourself, to the life you have lived; these past moments are the living lessons you gave yourself to become who you are now.

Appreciate your memories while you can, one day they may not be there anymore. Put on some old songs you haven't heard in a long time, and let your mind go where it wants to. Remember those things you have been through, those little random moments, the revolving door in your mind. That time you sat on your livingroom floor, surrounded by boxes, ready to begin a new journey; you've made that journey now, so its ok to go back to that time, acknowledge it and smile to yourself that you did it, you are here now, beginning again perhaps, something newer still.

Photos by: Tenteri, Wredna, Tom Palumbo & Elsea Chelsea

Enjoy! This is Lovely.

2010-08-04T17:04:00.001-04:00

Oh, Just Some Pictures!

2010-07-31T11:54:00.008-04:00

A dove nesting in mom's hanging planter! She is sitting on a geranium.

Late night bike rides through creepy Humber Park.

Pretty sunsets.

Pretty girls and horses.

Interesting hotel sinks that make me happy!

Grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes....

A lovely picnic on a gorgeous day!

*Storm possibly, maybe, perhaps slightly enhanced...

And a couple pictures by a pretty nifty guy!

The Final Work!

2010-07-16T00:06:00.002-04:00

Here it is! The final shot from our day at the beach.

Photo by Shayne Gray

I Must Have Something to Look Forward To

2010-07-12T12:22:00.004-04:00

Today is Monday, just entering my last week of summer vacation. It's disheartening, but I still have an entire week, and summer will certainly not be over! I am the kind of person who needs something to look forward to, all the time. It give me a better sense of purpose, and a better sense of drive.

So far this summer has been insanely amazing with great weather, cottages, night swims in cool lakes, rooftop BBQs and drinks on patios all over the place. BUT there are even more wonderful things around the bend!

Next weekend brings a girls' weekend in Niagara to celebrate Michelle's upcoming wedding (also a great thing about this summer!) August brings not only the wedding, but two camping trips, one being on a secluded island we have to canoe to. I'm already bursting about that one.

And the most exciting thing (that I'm honestly having difficultly containing right now) is rounding out the summer living HERE!!!

I use the term 'living' very lightly of course, as we'll only be here for one week, but what a way to end the summer! To say I can't wait is the biggest understatement, though I hate wishing time away too quickly, so I'll relax and sit on it calmly. September I'm flying back to Cuba, but this time: no resorts! Home-base will be this gorgeous, 100 year old colonial palace in Old Havana, once a resting place for Al Capone.

Spotty electricity, bad plumbing and lifts that aren't for the faint of heart are in my dreams right now. Yes, I actually want these things. I like luxury, but I don't require it, and for this trip, I want to see Havana properly, and I'm already laughing at the prospects of a shower that showers the bathroom more then myself. To wake up in the morning to the classical music and steady counts coming from the ballet school next door, and look out over town to the water in the distance. Bring it on, right now please!

Light Painting!

2010-07-10T13:39:00.007-04:00

Shayne and I tried a little experiment yesterday, after our attempts at light painting with sparklers at the cottage. So, we had a little evening of light painting at home.

Goodnight!

Looming Sky and Indoor Sunset

2010-07-09T19:43:00.003-04:00

Country in the City

2010-07-09T17:10:00.012-04:00

Half way through my vacation, and it's been awesome, moving way too fast though. I've still been filled with thoughts of the fresh air of the country, especially since it's been so damn hot here. After a few days of sitting out the heat during the day, and not venturing out until after dark, I decided to take myself to the country, so to speak.

Not exactly countryside, but a good second choice. I packed up a book, a blanket and a camera, and headed west to one of my favourite places in the city. Hours later, I was still wandering the nooks and pathways, just letting everything melt away.

Sure, the heat was oppressive, but with so many moments passing under shade, it hardly mattered. The only times I was stuck standing in direct sunlight were those waiting for a duck or a chipmunk to please lift your head for my picture gah!

I am so disappointed in my camera, it just isn't cutting it anymore. So many photos were ruined by the unfocusing haze that seemed to emanate from my camera itself. Trying to take a photo of something right in front of me, and it just plain wouldn't focus and the colours just wouldn't pop.

After a long walk, I threw down my blanket, lay back and stared up into the trees above. I found myself so full of memories focused around my cottage from way back in the day. Times of childhood when creative dreams were so real, and life was open to become anything, and everything was possible. I would spend hours with the trees and the birds, completely living in my own head, within nature, and I was happy. Even reading a book no longer has quite the same appeal as it did back in those days.

Then a train went by, and on their left they could witness the common north American girl trying to escape the reality of her city life, while being bitten by red ants. Those things sting like a bitch!

Took a wander through the hillside gardens, a gorgeous, quiet, tree shaded hideaway enveloped by gurgling streams and tall pines. Heaven really.

I could sit here on this bridge and be part of this scene all day.

It was so hot, the birds were panting.

Say cheese! I love how they're all looking at the camera.

The Emu: Honestly one of the freakiest animals in nature, I couldn't bring myself to get to close to him, the red eyes and open, panting mouth got to me too much.

If you have to live in the city, this is the way to do it best.

The trip home was where the sunburn kicked into high gear. Waiting for the streetcar forever out on the Queensway in the burning sun...but I love you summer, I really really do!

My Dreams Have Been Country Infected

2010-07-06T15:43:00.008-04:00

All pictures taken by me, Queen Charlotte Islands B.C.

The last couple days have been incredibly hot. I've locked myself away in my lightly air conditioned house (I say lightly as we don't turn it up very much, just enough to take the edge off the heat) with all the blinds shut. I haven't gazed out the window in a while, just doing my part to keep the house as cool as possible.

I honestly can't complain, as I much prefer this over the cold, but the staying indoors thing is getting to me a little. I got out the easel and a canvas to begin my next painting, only to discover I'm running really low on paint, so I need to get myself out to the art supply store. After working on a few little projects around the house, I got to just sitting with a glass of lemon water, and thinking.

My personal dilemma right now is the city vs. country question. I have only ever lived in the city, and have only ventured out to the country for vacations and weekends away. I work in the city, my friends are in the city, I'm pretty tied down here. But more and more, I'm craving the countryside full time. The thought of waking up with the birds and sitting in the breeze, surrounded by tall trees, and a lake if I'm lucky, brings shivers to my spine. It feels like a completely unattainable dream, not unlike winning the lottery.

I would be happy if I could rise in the morning, and place my feet down on a cool, rugged wood plank floor. Hear the morning birds singing, and that unmistakable creak of tall cedars and chirping red squirrels. Make a pot of pressed coffee and wander out to my yard and be alone at the water's edge. Watch the water striders skip along the surface, engulfed in the morning's mist. Take a swim as the sun rises.

As the day plods on, I'll tend to the garden which is my means of self sufficiency, with my dogs and cats lounging near by. I would spend the afternoon on a shaded swing, that type of swing that people normally have on their porches, and write the day away, working on my novel.

I would take walks down the country roads surrounding my property, and visit the neighbours on their organic farms. Watch the sun set on my walk back home, lowering in the bright orange sky, and have a piece of cake!

Sometimes, actually, all the time, I think this is a complete pipe dream. How does one do this? Leave everything behind (except for your loved one of course) and go off-grid, so to speak? I never think this dream through to winter, as that's another matter entirely, but I can't break this spell. I go through this every summer after the first time being at a lake or a cottage or a campsite, it pains me to drive back into the city, though it is my home, and I do love my home.

Its just that there is a better way of life, I'd love to say that I'm not the city which made me, but I'm afraid I can't. I am such a dreaded product of city life that I don't know how to break free. It's very scary. Can I do it? Is it possible to quit everything, sell everything and begin anew? I fear I'll be stuck just dreaming this dream, and not making beautiful music under a clear, open sky.

I wrote a short story a few years back about this very thing, these very questions. It's sitting on my website which is just waiting to be launched. Clearly these thoughts have been inside me for a long time, but can thoughts become more then just thoughts? I know the answer to these questions, trust me, I do, but taking a leap is hard when you don't know where you will land...

All photos by me

Summer Vacation So Far

2010-07-04T14:17:00.024-04:00

Picture by Shayne Gray

Amazing, what else can I say? Started out my vacation carefully avoiding the crazy G20 traffic, and made it out of the city. The gals and I drove to Guelph for Michelle's tea party shower which was lovely. Directly following the shower, Erin and I made the trek from Guelph to Burk's Falls to the 'Great Blue' cottage for Daniel's birthday. Amazing. This cottage was more than any of us bargained for, and though Erin and I had a lot less time up there then everyone else (we didn't arrive until 10pm) it was way, way worth it!

Immediately upon arrival, we were treated with BBQ dinner and watermelon/strawberry/feta salad to die for, made by Tess. After dinner came campfire, birthday brownies, sparklers and of course, foggy swimming at 1am. I have never been swimming in the night fog like that, truly spectacular. We could barely see the moon at all through the fog, or each other, for that matter, through the rising mist hovering over the water's surface.

Picture by Shayne Gray

Since I didn't arrive until late, my only mission was to get up early and sit by the water alone in the morning. I didn't manage to get up quite as early as I had hoped, but I still beat everyone else, and enjoyed some early time in a muskoka chair with the banjo playing frogs.

So many men!

There were many men injured, not badly, but injured none the less.

My official first day of vacation took us to Mel Dark's place for a rooftop BBQ, check out how amazing this place is. The rooftop of her condo is a communal terrace, complete with BBQ, furniture and one hell of a view. As I was introduced to one of her friends, he and I looked at each other with that "do I know you?" confusion. Yeah, we pretty much grew up together, trippy!

Then, we went to Europe!!! Kidding, this is actually the Sunnyside Pavillion, it just looks European to me. I did however, spend Canada Day in Brampton visiting the folks, as they were just back from Europe. Lots of great photos to see, including shots of places I'd been nearly ten years earlier.

This beautiful little nook is just S/W of Roncesvalles...such a neat little find!

Shayne is completely loaded down with photo equipment because we were here to do a little photo shoot. It isn't ready yet, but I will have you know that there is an amazing shot coming to a computer screen near you....

This was the set for our shoot.

Photographer at work..

And while we're here, why not take some fun extra shots too?

Just arriving on the shores of this fine country after a long month of travels. Tyra would be proud.

World Cup fever. I have indeed caught most of the German games thus far. We lined up for half an hour, early Saturday morning, to get a table at the designated German central for the game. Fun times, but we were missing out German counterparts as they happen to be IN Germany right now.

Got wind of a little free concert happening on Saturday at Queens Park...no one particularly famous, just Cyndi Lauper!! So, had to go. Met up with Erin, Jeff and a couple of their friends, lined up for an hour to get into the fenced, stage area, but why were there so many angry lesbians in the crowd? So many angry lesbians, it's Cyndi Lauper ladies, and yes, there is a big crowd, but please just chill and have some fun!

Rounded out the week with spending the day with this gorgeous woman! Maud's last day in town was well spent avoiding the fires at Musa on Dundas (very sad-I loved that spot) and drinking the heat away at Red Light, Reposado and BQM.

Oh, and Shayne played with the Woodchoppers again at Tranzac. It was pretty awesome. The second set even had a tap dancer acting as a percussionist, amazing.

You Never Really Grow Up...Do You?

2010-06-20T18:57:00.006-04:00

Just when you feel a little on the older side, for going for evening 'strolls' after dinner (it's nice, a big meal, then a walk through the neighbourhood) you come across something on your 'stroll' which reminds you that you are still ridiculously immature. Like this:

A fence wearing underwear.

Then, when you decide to take in a classical concert at a church (piano vs. violin - friends of Shayne's) you decide you aren't quite ready to head home, but rather follow the sounds coming from Queen's park...you stumble upon this:

Now I challenge anyone to come across this wonderland and not feel like a kid in a candy forest. Holy scheisse I was in fantasy-candy-sparkly-land.

After a walk through bubblegum fields (not stoned, sadly, if I'd known we were coming across this, I would have prepared...not that we needed to though as these 'sculptures' speak for their acid-tripped selves)

We watched the last hour of the Salif Keita concert...ok, I watched it. Shayne, who's latest hobby is photography, was climbing the scaffolding behind the stage to capture the whole thing. I danced on my own. You become used to that when your boyfriend is the photographer (though I'm truly in full support as he is very talented)

Ended the dreamy night with drinks in dreamy company on Tess & Daniel's patio overlooking the yards and garages of little Portugal, surrounded by tea lights, sipping on Pimms. Yummy!

So its Almost Summertime!

2010-06-15T20:44:00.006-04:00

Been riding my bike like crazy, that old bike of my mom's I love so much. No basket yet, so I've been stuck with a backpack...ten speed bike + backpack makes me feel like a different kind of gal, the kind of gal who is at home on a speedy, downtown bike. I'm used to upright cruiser and basket a la girlie.

Only two more weeks of work left until vacation, and beginning it (sort of) by getting out of the city. G20/G8 weekend is seeing me drive to Guelph in the morning, then from there through Huntsville (of course, where G8 is happening) up to Burk's Falls. I shall be stuck in traffic for HOURS but the pay off will be cottage time with friends...once I FINALLY arrive, likely around 10pm on Saturday. I am avoiding Toronto driving at all costs, and will in fact, bypass it entirely through Orangeville up to cottage country. One night, and one day at the cottage only, but its all enough. A few nights later, why not possibly maybe have a rooftop BBQ with new friends!

Speaking of friends, who, may I say, has just moved to Toronto for the first time, but Trev. Erin's pile o' cuz who we stayed with years ago in Burnaby. We've been seeing lots of him, and there will be lots more chill time this summer...though I have yet to get Trev and Erin into the same vicinity as yet, but it shall not be long.

What else for me? Not much more then drinking, biking, wandering and working on my latest paintings. It's been a slow start on these paintings, as it's been quite a while since I've painted anything, but once I get going, the paint will get flowing.

Can I just say that the German soccer team has a lot of fans? I happen to have quite a few German friends and acquaintances these days, and I've been welcomed into the FIFA cheering circles of zee Germans. They are a crazy fun crowd to watch a soccer game with, I was attacked by red, yellow and black oil pastels the other day, as no one can be at the main German hotspot to watch soccer, without sporting a couple (or more) German flags painted on their body...and I was happy to oblige. In fact, the very first time I ever heard Shayne speak German was two years ago at the Euro-Cup, when he was speaking with Daniel on the phone...love.blush. It was awesome.

I have been absolutely awful with my picture taking as of late. I have not taken a single photo in weeks. Now that Shayne is a photographer (he has been hired for a wedding, and has supplied all the photos for the press kit of a very amazing band -- The Weber Brothers) I've been slacking. I've been riding the wave of his photos, and let me tell you, friends of mine have been wondering where the heck my photos are. They're right, it's time to whip out the camera every now and then again. It's just that in comparison to Shayne's DSLR, my camera is, well, scheisse.

2010-06-05T17:15:00.002-04:00

Photo by Tim Walker

I have been reading this book lately that is about so much death/mortality. It's fiction (very famous fiction as the movie version is in theatres right now) and it's been making me think so much about the fragility of life. It has made me want to spend much more time with my family.

My parents came down to the city today for a visit before they go off to Europe. We took some wine and a picnic lunch to High Park and sat in the grass. They hadn't been to that park since my mom was pregnant with me. I showed them my old photo albums from when I was in Europe for the first time, so they could see more what Rome, Florence and Venice look like.

After a walk through the park, they went off back home and I went up to the bike shop to pick up my mom's old bike. Riding it home, I was a little unsure how stable it was though, it's pretty old and even with new tires, it's a little wobbly and the brakes don't brake much.

My latest project: trying to learn more old classic rock bands/tunes. Wish me luck! I've been spending my work days under headphones listening to Deep Tracks on SiriusXM...I got a week free trial. No point in buying it though as I can't get it to work at home on my mac. That's life, back to enjoying the sunshine!

2010-06-01T20:45:00.004-04:00

Alrt. Love Love Love!

...did I mention I love this band?

Do you ever feel like you are a little more embarrassing than others? I feel like such a kid most of the time, and sometimes I feel a little embarrassed by it, but most of the time, it's ok. I find that a lot of the thoughts that run through my head are akin to those that your average 13 year old might think. I guess I feel now, that at the age of 31, I've reached the level of maturity that most 13 year olds have reached.

When I was 13, I was completely unable to think for myself. I had no idea what I wanted, no idea what what others wanted of me, and so I lived my life for everyone else. When you don't know what to feel, you immediately try to figure out what you should feel, running the gamut of thoughts around what you should personify. I was thinking today, as I read a book, that when I was 13, I didn't take a single action for myself. Entirely every move I made was based on what I thought I should be doing. If I was feeling shy or upset, instead of going off for a walk on my own, I simply suffered and told my friends I was "feeling sick" which was always my explanation of why I was being so quiet.

I now wish that I knew how to accept myself when I was 13, and be at peace. The days when I didn't feel like socializing, I wish I had just wandered off on my own, sat on the empty stage in the dark, and not cared about what others thought. But instead, I was full of fake smiles, just trying to put on a front, and be something for everyone else, in the hope that I'd be considered "normal".

At this point in my life, again, I feel like I've reached the level of maturity and self-disposition that most 13 year olds reach. A small level of comfort. A small ability to be myself. As I board the subway with many others, many younger then me, looking so sharp in their work attire, I feel generally happy with my dirty feet, my mismatching clothes and my unbrushed hair (a little secret though...my hair is brushed, it's just naturally a messy disaster)

Why is it always me though, who sits in fruit punch on the subway? The one who gets run over by a stroller? I suppose I know it isn't just me, we all go through these things, and now, the worse things get, the more relaxed I feel, because annoyance after annoyance, all you can do is chill out. Really.

I don't know, I guess all I'm saying, is don't put pressure on yourself. I know you don't know who you are, because none of us know who we are. We spend so much time trying to "figure it all out" when there isn't any one thing to figure out. Life is ever-changing, and we change with it every day. We are going to be a different person every day of our lives, so I guess we damn well start getting used to it. Stop thinking so much hey, and just be.

All I Gotta Say...

2010-06-01T10:02:00.000-04:00

Happy Hippie Weekend!

2010-05-31T20:26:00.003-04:00

It was just that. I think I spent more time outside this past weekend, then any other time this year to date. It was like a mini vacation, those days where you wake up, leave the hotel in the morning, and don't find yourself back at the hotel until morning again.

Saturday morning I got up way earlier then I ever normally choose to on a Saturday, for the Planet Palmerston garage sale (which was amazing and raised $3000 for Habitat for Humanity!) There are a lot of girls out there today wearing old dresses of mine (not $3000 worth hahaha) The old long white dress with the epic stain even sold (the stain is barely noticeable now after many bleachings) I spilled an entire glass of red wine down it, years ago at Jerry's barbarian birthday, and tried removing it all with a Tide stick...

Wrapping up the sale, we all settled in to Daniel and Ryan's backyard for a BBQ and beer, and a group stroll to The Big Chill for an ice cream on the patio. Long ago were the days when I ate mint chocolate chip ice cream, but the coloured picnic tables were screaming childhood, so I gave it a try. I fell in love with my green ice cream!

Pitchers of gin/tonics later, then dinner on the patio of La Hacienda (delicious, but heavy after a long day in the sun) caused me to practically run home in an emergency (TMI?)

Yesterday, took my mom's old bike up to the shop to be fixed finally. I'm so excited to ride it. She bought that bike round about 1970 from The Bay, using my dad's employee discount. Many years later, she cycled a baby me around on the back of that thing in a little white plastic baby bike seat. Now, I'll be riding it around town, so happy.

From there, off to visit Cory and Jerry as he sketched away his drawing of the day. Attempted to sit on the deck for a while, but were continually dive-bombed by nesting pigeons, so that didn't last long.

Ended the day with a backyard BBQ at Erin's place to welcome her new roommate, a nifty guy from the old punk rock scene with lots of stories to share. Walked home late at night with blisters on my filthy summer feet.

Life is good.

2010-05-29T00:53:00.005-04:00

Juuuuuuust got back from Julie's. It's an old, sentimental, memory filled, romantic spot, and I love. Christmas lights and gin martinis go very well together.

One night last year, Shayne was out and about solo, and he came across a house he thought I would instantly love. He took me around the streets the next day in search of the mysterious wonder house to show off this place which would surely be beloved to me...but he couldn't find it. Now, a year later, he says he found the house, and he has to show me! How right he was. In fact, I know the house well and it has long been one of my favourites. We snuck around the alley, spying through the gates into the yard...oh I wish. I'm sure I'm not the only one who adores this place :)

Don't forget!! See you tomorrow at the Palmerston garage sale!

Sunny Afternoons

2010-05-26T21:48:00.011-04:00

Photo by francesca-jane

Was just about to say "good afternoon" but realized it's nearly 10pm, but damn it's hot. Love it. I had to wear a long summer dress to work today and go for a walk at lunch. Got to my destination glowing with the sun, just to face the folks who are already bashing the heat! Enjoy it now peeps, because we've had a lot of winter. Wait a few more months before ya bash the oppressive beauty.

Photo of stunning ladies Lara & Christine by Shayne Gray

I just threw my itunes into shuffle and awaited the randomness...began with Linda Perhacs, and now...Kris Kristofferson? Where did I get this stuff? I don't recall ever having any Kris Kristofferson. I do recall, however, being a little tyke and giggling over my parents "A Star is Born" album cover with KK and Barbara because they were nude *giggle giggle*

Photo of Mr. Dino Marco & Disco Diva Christine by Shayne Gray

Been spending every evening sitting on the stoop drinking cider...too much drinking but that's what this new hot weather is good for, taking off the bra and shoes and kicking back outside with a brew.

Photo of Me & Dino Marco by Shayne Gray

This Saturday is the giant garage sale for Habitat for Humanity. Come by Palmerston Ave between College and Harbord for many good finds for charity, street wide sale. I'll be stationed at 391 Palmerston, we'll have music and cookies and I'm offloading 4 garbage bags full of clothes, shoes and purses so come by, say hello and help relieve me of some of my drawer filling clutter. What doesn't sell is going to the Diabetes Assoc. for free.

2010-05-21T22:27:00.004-04:00

Photo of Arlt. set up by Shayne Gray

Just spent the last couple hours sipping booze on my front lawn. Of course I say lawn lightly, it's paved, but many of you already know that.

Tonight just proved the awesomeness that will be the salon party of the summer. I've been looking to move for a while now because I want a yard, but realize that I have one, I just need to utilize it better. I have a front yard, in little Portugal, therefore, it's paved. So, I've decided that I must return the favour of all the amazing dinner parties my dear friends have invited me to, and throw one myself. I don't have room in my house, so it's going to be a front sidewalk party.

Those who sing, recite or play instruments are encouraged to perform. Those who would like to cruise by my place on Gladstone (night TBA) are welcome to drop by and drop some change into the open guitar case.

I was inspired by the sidewalk dinner party I stumbled upon in Berlin, Prenzlauerberg, it's gonna be great. Moonlight/candlelight/Christmas light outdoor sidewalk dinner party. Will keep you posted.

xoxo

A Couple of Archives

2010-05-11T14:51:00.003-04:00

Just a couple of posts from a year ago that still resonate with me...
Gotta go for now!

Be Good to Your Inner Child

Sometimes Things Just Resonate

Love in the Time of Sedaris

2010-05-06T13:46:00.007-04:00

I have always been a fan of reading, but I admit that for most of my life, I was a strict consumer of best sellers and Oprah approved books. I still am, of course, but over the last 6 years or so, I've been learning to broaden my literary horizon. Often times, these things depend on the company you keep, spending days and days with people who prefer classic or obscure literature, I challenge you not to give in, and give it a try.

When I first discovered Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac and Hermann Hesse (three of many new authors to me at the time) I was pleasantly surprised. These were names I'd heard before, but knew nothing about. I associated their books with dull, old, high-school appointed reading I'd have to slog through. Without the misadventures of easy reading, I wasn't interested. What changed my mind, or should I say, what opened my mind, was simply a day of having no new book to take on the subway with me, I grabbed a random book off the shelf, and thought, 'hmm not bad'.

I don't profess to have read many books by these authors, rather if you test me on any one of them, I'd fail miserably, but they launched me forward into my own literary discoveries. Books by Daniel Quinn, which burst the proverbial bubble that surrounded the life I thought was real, and changed my world-view permanently. I was finally able to read Henry Miller and not bore myself to death, it wasn't until the third reading of Tropic of Cancer, that I was able to complete it. It just took an understanding of that particular style, taking it for what it was, and appreciating it. I fell in love with Anais Nin, wishing that I could live her word-filled, experience-ridden life. She was 28 when she wrote "Henry & June" and I was nearly 27 when I read it. Being almost the same age as the author, it made me think quite a bit about the existence I was living. My life certainly didn't contain the sexual exploits, nor did I wish it to, but the mere fact that she was living, just the way she chose, struck me down.

Eventually, I lost access to those extensive bookshelves, so was on a solo literary journey. This is when I discovered blogs, which I believe are, in a sense, a modern form of guerrilla style writing, minus having a publisher and payment. Books of short stories and essays by emerging authors, again, near my age. Miranda July, Stephen Chbosky and my favourite, Sloane Crosley. For those of you who followed my 'story a day' venture, know that it had everything to do with Sloane Crosley, an endless source of inspiration for me, a voice so like my own, I felt relieved and inspired. Somewhere along the Sloane Crosley lines, I read that a big inspiration of hers was David Sedaris. Now, this was an author I had definitely heard of, but mistakenly held in the same regard as Kerouac and Burroughs - dead.

Since Crosley was such a huge inspiration to me, I felt I had to begin reading the books by one of her inspirations. I looked up Sedaris to find out what his books were called, and any more info on him and what?? He's alive and young and living in New York City? Was this the same Sedaris I had thought was a long dead, fogey, classic author? Shocked. I've now read his first two books, personal essays and fictional short stories filled with cringe-worthy dark humour and I'm hooked. But why do I always find myself reading books which continue to rip away at the few remaining shreds of my bubble. Sedaris' stories are wicked, twisted, revealing stories of the pure reality of the human condition, and David Sedaris, I am so glad I discovered you.

2010-04-21T18:08:00.009-04:00

The month began with a visit from Bruno, an old (young) friend who I met in Cuba years ago. I was there with a couple girlfriends in off season, playing in the daily rain at an all inclusive resort, my first (and only to date) stay at a resort. It was a lot of fun, interspersed with much emotional drama (three girls going through personal & life changes) If any of you ever feel like you need time to reflect and throw around a little drama, go on vacation with girlfriends. Even if you are not going through drama yourself, you'll be pulled into it.

One of the other resorters we befriended was a crazy little French guy from Quebec who I've stayed in touch with ever since. He drove down to the city for the long weekend in his tiny red convertible Miata, and promptly got a ticket, got accosted by a drunk lesbian and his clothes pissed on by my cat. Welcome to Toronto.

We took a day trip to Niagara Falls which is just as fun as you make it, and we made it fun. Some people you just click with and there's never a shortage of humour, or of Phil Collins for that matter. Not sure how it happened, but the song of the weekend was In the Air Tonight and I thought that poor Shayne was just about ready to kill the stereo.

Photo by Shayne Gray

This month also brought a new change to my life in the form of Shayne moving in with me. Circumstance had it that he had to move out of his apartment, and instead of finding another place (he's here all the time anyway) we decided it was time for him to descend into the mess that is my life ...not that kind of mess, I'm really talking here about literal clutter and un-vacuumed carpets!

Game nights at Casa Palmerston are still going strong, and still interspersed with late night rounds of Mord le Sac. The ever muscle pulling, ache the next day, drunken hilarity of trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor with nothing more then your mouth...from a standing position.

Photo by Shayne Gray

An amazing cous cous dinner party was thrown by Christine and Marco, and what a delight that was! Christine is really one of the most talented cooks and hostesses I know, and much fun was had by all. Christine & Marco really own the most fabulous music collection on the planet which gets us dancing and runway walking down the hall. An original flash-dance performance was put on by Mel, who was also the drink-lady of the evening mixing up her invented concoction of Camel Spit Coolers. Delicious!

Through all the beautiful weather and times had with friends, I've spent numerous hours in High Park, which is my latest obsession. I can't seem to stay away from that park for more then a few days until I need my fix again. It's my favourite place on earth right now and I've even been looking at apartments in the area. So picky though, if the place isn't dead on perfect what I want, I keep looking. I've rented for too long and settled too many times. It's time for my perfect home.

NOSTALGIA

2010-03-31T18:15:00.007-04:00

Photo by Shayne Gray

I'll get to the nostalgia in a little bit, but first I just have to say thanks to those of you who check this little site sometimes. I was on a roll there with February's 'story a day' goal, which I almost completed perfectly. During that month, I know (and am still finding out about) people who began checking in here regularly. I finally started building up a teeny tiny little readership of friends, and then March rolled around and I stopped writing.

Photo by Shayne Gray

I thought today about beginning 'story a day' again tomorrow, being that it's a new month, but I'm daunted by that thought. I understand that that's the point of creating something for yourself, nothing comes easy or falls into your lap from a flowery tree. These things take time and effort (tons of effort). Reaching into my mind and pulling out a story every day is painfully hard at times.

Photo by Shayne Gray

I went through the same agony over and over: 'I don't have a story in me right now, I'll write when I get home from work' Then I'd get home from work, and want to relax for a moment, but if I relaxed the story wouldn't happen, so I had to get to it right away while my mind was still in GO mode. Wine helps though, wine always helps.

Photo by Shayne Gray

Anyway, again, I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who diligently traveled the writing journey with me, and those of you who still pop by, only to be disappointed as I seem to write only once every couple of weeks now.

Photo by Miguel Jacob

Now for the nostalgia. I suppose there isn't too much to be said on this topic, or rather, there is SO much to be said about it that I don't think I can tackle it. While out with some of my oldest girlfriends last night, we got onto the topic of nostalgia for a bit. I have realized that I am absolutely hyper-nostalgic, so much that it nearly prevents me from doing anything at times. All it takes is one song on the ipod and I'm shuttled back in time so deeply that it exhausts me. Some days I get to work completely beat, and it's simply because my 45 minute commute felt like a 20 year travel through my brain. I can recall insane amounts of detail, such as the tile on my bathroom floor on Broadview, and the bath mat (which was not a true bath mat) that lay on top of it. Memories of tile and grout are among the detailed things which pop into my head at the drop of a tune, and this is merely the surface.

While I agree that it seems I live in the past too much, it's not all exactly living in the past. I can be presently in the moment, while remembering the way my skin couldn't breathe in the shiny purple coat I wore when I was 21, walking down Eglinton to my first apartment, listening to the same song as now, only on a discman.

This feeling of nostalgia can actually bring a true smile to your face, though it may at times feel bitter-sweet (the passing of time becoming all the more obvious). I pose a little challenge to you tonight. When you are sitting on your couch at home, close your eyes and think of one of your livingrooms of long ago. Imagine yourself being back there again. Dig deep, and open your mind's eye, look around that room of old, in your memory, what does the floor look like? The carpet? What does the couch feel like under your bum? Take in the room, and then if you like, take a little walk down the hallway and into your old bedroom. It's surprising how many memories may shine bright, and you may be surprised at how many are still there. Every moment you have lived has brought you to this one, so from time to time, give some of those seemingly inconsequential moments their due, hold them, and cherish them. And then, feel the present moment you are currently in, because this very moment will one day too, bring you to where you will stand.

HolyHandbag

lomo vs. lomo

Have You Ever Done Something Unforgivable?

The End of Summer

New Camera!

Trip Diaries of Old

Summer Memories

Whale Rescue - Farallon Islands

Summertime Love!

Sunday Love!

Mornings

Sunday Love!

Hula Times!

Summer is Coming!

Let's Take a Connected Little Walk

Seasons Change

Trianon

Screaming Days

Just a Little *Important* Post

Waiting for More Rain

Springtime

How Fast Time Moves!

Do You Remember What It Was Like To Be A Child?

Joy to be Found in the Moments

Crawling out of the Woodwork

Chanel No.5

Wise Words From a Wise Man

Right Now...

Wednesday Funny!

My Current Warm Little Corner

Film School Photo Story

Happy Season!

Metaphorical Journeys

Twelve is the New Eighty

Love

Sunny Cool

Fashion, Fashion?

Metric Does Don't Think Twice

Saturday Night Rain

Camping!

I Have Been Here Many Times Before

Enjoy! This is Lovely.

Oh, Just Some Pictures!

The Final Work!

I Must Have Something to Look Forward To

Light Painting!

Looming Sky and Indoor Sunset

Country in the City

My Dreams Have Been Country Infected

Summer Vacation So Far

You Never Really Grow Up...Do You?

So its Almost Summertime!

All I Gotta Say...

Happy Hippie Weekend!

Sunny Afternoons

A Couple of Archives

Love in the Time of Sedaris

NOSTALGIA

Just a Little Important Post