Friday, September 20, 2013

Searching for the Present

Nostalgia is the number one 'killer' of 5'2, strange girls named Cristy who live in Toronto...

This has become a definite problem for me; living in the past. I have always been hyper-nostalgic, which does hold an element of beauty. Cherishing one's past is a wonderful thing, as long as it doesn't overtake everything else. I've often been told that I have this strange way of missing the past before it has even become the past. I remember when I was living in my last apartment, the view out my livingroom window held up my heart in wonder. I loved that view so much; the western sun setting, beaming hot onto my closed eyes, the breezes and birdsong, the tire tracks in the winter snow and the victorian houses which remained unchanged from day to day. After I signed the deed to my future new home, I lamented how much I was going to miss my view. This would be normal but for the fact that I still had two full years before moving... My strange type of nostalgia was pining for a past that was still two years in the future.

Living in the present moment is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do, but it is so very important for our well-being. I've been reading quite a lot about this lately, about how 'being' anywhere but in the moment you are currently in, is not living at all. Life is what is happening around us right now (and only right now) If we are thinking about the past or the future, that is where we are actually living. Not present in our 'real' life at all. The past is already gone and the future hasn't happened yet right?

I was out with a friend the other night, sitting at a bar with a beer in hand and talking about whatever friends talk about. The next day, however, it hit me just how much I had been rambling on and on and on about myself: my past, my future, my loves, my dislikes, my travels, my hobbies, my thoughts, my dinners! It was all me, me, me and I completely failed to listen to him at all. This situation happens so often, and I always feel pretty awful afterward for this rude habit of mine. But today, I made a new correlation about this problem; I wondered if it's a direct result of not living in the present moment. I get so excited to speak of all the wonderful things that have happened to me, that I give my own thoughts too much importance and bowl over everyone else. Perhaps if I was actively present in the moment, a new clarity would be afforded me. I would appreciate where I am better, and be more available to my friends when with them. I could slow down the race in my mind, listen and just be.

When I was away on my trip, I definitely gathered a ton of present moment awareness. I was only ever standing in the place my feet had brought me. And it was fantastic. We are physically where we are standing, but we are emotionally where our thoughts are. I want to join these two "places" into one, and learn to have my thoughts more concentrated on where I'm standing (so to speak) This has resonated with me before, so I've decided to delve back into that process I took on three years ago. I need a refresher. I need to reset all these frayed nerves and turn off that tap of overflowing self-conversation, breathe and be...

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