Saturday, June 22, 2013

On Being Alone




I have a very solitary personality. 
I do love my friends so, so much, and love spending wonderful hours with them, but at the end of the day, I just need to be alone. I've been like this as far back as I can remember, playing make-believe, or reading in my backyard under that giant maple tree. I still find now, when I go away for a weekend camping or cottaging with loved ones, I always seek solitude at times. I need to because it fuels my soul. 

I love to wander off into the woods or down to the lake, or even to a near-by hammock if there is one, and sit with myself for a while. I love the warm sound of distant laughter, reminding me that I'm not so far removed, that friends are just around the bend should I need them.

When we were at the cottage last weekend, it was no exception. Just after the sun dropped down below the lake's horizon, I went down to the dock to sit by the water in an old wooden adirondak chair until the sky was dark. Chelsea Wolfe playing on my iphone, I watched the rippling water in the moonlight, hearing the fish jumping and the crickets begin to sing.

The solitary silence in these moments is very important to me, it's my time to re-energize my introverted self. I can re-gather the love I have in my heart for those that are in my life now, past and even future.

Later that evening, I stumbled down the rocks and through the swooping bats under that stairway, down to the hammock after midnight. Listening to music once again, this time swinging in the hammock in a definite drunken haze, shaking off spring-time cold in my campfire-scented jacket. Moonlight peeking through the leaves above; stars in the sky and that constant rippling moon.

As I took solace in these moments, I began thinking about my trip to Costa Rica next week, and how in those moments of being alone, I would truly be alone... I won't have friends up on the deck around a fire singing songs and playing music. I won't have that warm circle to return to, I'll have only my own arms to run to. It will be a test of emotion, and I hope to really learn how to lean on myself for comfort and wisdom because I will be the only loved one I'll have.

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