Thursday, June 27, 2013


Love is a many faceted feeling, is it not?
The idea that there is only one kind of love is eluding me these days, and this is a wonderful thing! I think most of us grow up with the same ideas about love; we love our pets and toys, our families and then of course, we learn all about romantic love. Once the romance enters our lives, that kind of love seems to bowl over the others, and it becomes the central focus too often.

I remember back in college, the first time a friend of mine said so non-chalantly, that she loved me as she ran off to class. It was such a wonderful feeling, and it set me to thinking that yes, I do love my friends, so very much, so why did I never tell them so? It makes the heart feel nice when loved ones say 'I love you' and I find I've been doing just that lately, more and more.

It's becoming natural for me to express my love to others, without it feeling awkward or forced or (god-forbid) flirty! I'm embracing platonic love with fervour, in all it's forms of wonderful feeling, and it's good for me. 

So to all of you, my friends past and present, I love all of you (and you'd better get used to it!) but no, that doesn't mean that I'm going to kiss you!


Saturday, June 22, 2013

On Being Alone

I have a very solitary personality. 
I do love my friends so, so much, and love spending wonderful hours with them, but at the end of the day, I just need to be alone. I've been like this as far back as I can remember, playing make-believe, or reading in my backyard under that giant maple tree. I still find now, when I go away for a weekend camping or cottaging with loved ones, I always seek solitude at times. I need to because it fuels my soul. 

I love to wander off into the woods or down to the lake, or even to a near-by hammock if there is one, and sit with myself for a while. I love the warm sound of distant laughter, reminding me that I'm not so far removed, that friends are just around the bend should I need them.

When we were at the cottage last weekend, it was no exception. Just after the sun dropped down below the lake's horizon, I went down to the dock to sit by the water in an old wooden adirondak chair until the sky was dark. Chelsea Wolfe playing on my iphone, I watched the rippling water in the moonlight, hearing the fish jumping and the crickets begin to sing.

The solitary silence in these moments is very important to me, it's my time to re-energize my introverted self. I can re-gather the love I have in my heart for those that are in my life now, past and even future.

Later that evening, I stumbled down the rocks and through the swooping bats under that stairway, down to the hammock after midnight. Listening to music once again, this time swinging in the hammock in a definite drunken haze, shaking off spring-time cold in my campfire-scented jacket. Moonlight peeking through the leaves above; stars in the sky and that constant rippling moon.

As I took solace in these moments, I began thinking about my trip to Costa Rica next week, and how in those moments of being alone, I would truly be alone... I won't have friends up on the deck around a fire singing songs and playing music. I won't have that warm circle to return to, I'll have only my own arms to run to. It will be a test of emotion, and I hope to really learn how to lean on myself for comfort and wisdom because I will be the only loved one I'll have.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Thursday, June 13, 2013


Oh this song...
How is it even possible for a song to blend, accompany, wrap itself around a single moment so beautifully...  So perfectly... When this happens, I feel linear finally, like all the odd fragments in my mind become joined together as a whole and I really feel like I'm standing just where I'm meant to be standing. Today, listening to this song, I was right where I was meant to be and it was perfect.

Sitting on the St. Clair streetcar, I had almost reached my stop when the downpour cracked through, and pounded the road like it had taken enough shit from the sky. It began falling on me through cracks in the creaky ceiling, but I didn't mind. My hair was already frizzing anyway and my feet were happy in water-proof red sandals. Matching red umbrella in hand, I stepped off and out into nature's fervour, and it was fantastic. The light changed at just the right moment as I splashed through streaming rivers across the street. 

Others took refuge from the rain under an awning by the bus stop, I took refuge from the others, and took my umbrella to a curb where I could be alone in the open. Elevated up on my perch, umbrella spine pressed firmly against my cheek, I stood as still as a statue as everything swirled around me. Thousands of angry tears pouring out of the sky, after my own heart. I felt as if I was on display, under my red umbrella, in my red shoes, for the people in passing cars... streetcars trundling by. I turned my song up louder as the beating rain overhead grew more and more intense. 

Standing still...still standing still... The pavement becomes alive with motion, the city trying it's best to turn into the wild north, something it will never be. I get it though, I mirror that sentiment...every day. I hear you city, I feel your need to transform, to be something different, just for a moment. I was something different for that moment too. I was happy. I was where I was meant to be. Rain seeping through my red umbrella now, silly pieces of man-made fodder cannot withstand nature, they never will. 

We are nature though. We will always withstand because we are one. We are as indestructible as we allow ourselves to be... Put the umbrella away and let it all rain down...

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Five Years Ago...

When life throws you a curve ball, sometimes you find yourself following a different path than you thought for yourself. Five years ago, I turned my life upside-down as I knew it. I broke up with my long-term boyfriend, I moved out of our home, into my own place and I left most of my friends behind (as they were mostly related to the boyfriend). I truly (sadly, confusedly) stepped out on my own into a new world I didn't yet quite understand, and I began again. I had emptied my proverbial cup, and set out to refill it anew, from the bottom, up to the top again. I was a whirlwind of new experiences, trying everything and experiencing all I could, all without thinking. I broke some hearts along the way and pissed off a few people with my seeming selfishness, but that's where I was in life. I was setting out on a new pathway to what, I didn't know. All I did know was that I was happier in that span of six months then I had almost ever been, and no matter what plumes of ache I stirred up in my wake, it was all necessary and worth it. But I'll not address the regrets I have now in this post...

I was suffering from a broken-down heart too. So I decided to do something drastic for myself, something I'd never done before. I decided to go backpacking in Central America by myself, for three weeks. I spent hours going through Lonely Planet and the internet, planning my trip to Costa Rica so thoroughly. I was terrified, but I was doing it anyway, because that's what I needed to do. I whole heartedly knew that I needed to face a strong fear, and learn how to make my own way, without another's help. I chose Costa Rica because of it's safety. It seemed to me so culturally different, and yet still so close to home. A perfect blend of nature, travellers, relaxation and other-worldly-ness. I was just about ready to book my flight when Shayne came along, and we decided to take those three weeks and travel to Europe together instead.  This, I don't regret.

But now, five years later, the desire in me was re-awakened to re-open my Lonely Planet guide, and re-visit this idea of the solo Costa Rica adventure. And this time, I decided that nothing would stand in my way. I made this decision two weeks ago, while I was at Erin's house, the day after she returned from Peru. Hearing all about her solo travels inspired me, and reminded me of what it was I was searching for all those years ago. I was upset and confused, not knowing what path to take next in life. She suggested traveling alone, as it's the best way to get to really know yourself. 

Within the next few days, I had dug up my old Costa Rica itinerary and tour guide, and I began planning all over again. The only difference between then and now, is that this time, a week after my planning began, I had booked my flight and all accommodations. So this trip is officially on.

I leave in three weeks. San Jose, Tortuguero, Santa Elena, Monteverde and La Fortuna, all in a whirlwind, solo two weeks. I'm elated. I'm filled to brimming with a nervous excitement I can't begin to explain. I might throw up a few times, but it's all for my greater good. When push comes to shove, I'll have only myself to trust, only myself to go to for wisdom and help. It might be five years later, but it's never too late to begin. 

We'll never be younger than we are right now, and the only day we have to make change is today because neither yesterday, or tomorrow exist...