Thursday, May 30, 2013

To You, My Friends...

Journey's End, By Jerry Thistle

I don't know how to begin, so I'll begin with a sharp shard of honesty here, and explain that every word I share here will always be true and from the very centre of my heart. As cheesy as I may sound sometimes (or all the time) I am almost always filled to bursting with some sort of emotion that I have a hard time containing. Usually I deal with it alone, in the best way that I can, which is often through my personal writing. Hundreds of pages have been filled with the craziness in my brain. I'm at war with my own words, with my own feelings, emotions, heart and mind. I can't shoot them down, nor can I wish them away. All I can do is let the pure joy, love, sadness and ache pour out of me in any way it needs to, and feel absolutely everything. Emotions infect every waking moment, and every dream until sometimes, I don't think I can quite go on for the weight of it all. I ride my bike down heavily treed streets with my smiling eyes to the sky, watching the shapes and shadows rush past above. I walk everywhere at night with my head swimming in thought and getting lost in my music. I fear I can come across as such a contradiction, a girl filled with riddles that no one will ever understand.

There's the backstory. The real reason for writing this is just to say the biggest thank you to all of you who are, and have been, in my life; those of you who put up with these contradictions of mine, and remain here, close to me. I have so much trouble finding the words to say how I feel to those I'm close to, that I end up saying nothing at all, or the jumbled opposite of what I'm trying to say. I'm so afraid of closeness and confrontation, afraid even of connection and love. I know I can have a hard exterior at times, cruel and unfeeling, sometimes my actions seem terribly hurtful, disrespectful, heartbreaking and confusing, but I don't intend to be this way. I am so incredibly fragile inside and fearful of honesty and transparency, that I weave a surface persona that shifts around, so even I can't keep it straight. Just know that underneath it all, I love you, all of you, I always have.

To you, my friends, past and present, thank you for putting up with all of my crap, the good and the bad. It's because of you that I'm still standing, and these thanks are for all of you. Thank you for the long, late nights we have spent together, laughing so damn hard over everything and nothing. Thank you for your shoulder when I burst out in tears and silent, knowing embraces. For the endless advice I'm constantly in need of, I know I drain some of you and sap you of your very energy at times, but also know I try very hard to give the best advice back to you. Thank you for standing with me in the basement of a bar that's near closing time, as I pour out my sadness and confusion. For supporting me through all of my ridiculous floundering projects and dreams. Thank you for putting up with me bursting through your door late at night after a few too many, and for considering me the one you call at 2am when you need someone to talk to. Thank you for making me dance when I'm so heartbroken I can't leave the house. Thank you for painting me, and photographing me, and making me feel beautiful when inside I feel anything but. Thank you for still being there after I have wronged you, and I know that I have wronged some of you so very much. Thank you for your forgiveness after being put through my crazy-ringer. Thank you for all the wonderful laughter and all the life we've lived together, from sitting in front of warm fires to dancing barefoot under starry night skies.

I can only ever hope that you will one day know just how much everything you have all brought to my life has meant to me. If I could be more connected to you I would, if I knew how to show my love for all of you in a more truthful way, I would. But I do try, so very much. 

I often think back to that night over a decade ago, when I realized that every single step I had ever taken, had brought me to the place I stood at that very moment. And that moment was exactly where I was meant to be. Whatever steps brought us here, to the lives and friendships we stand in now, must have been the right ones, and I only hope that I give to you even an ounce of what you give to me. I love you, and I cherish you.