Sunday, April 7, 2013

My Kid Self

I read something today which got me thinking again (after a long absence of this thinking) about myself as a child. What was I like then? What did I feel and want? Have I really changed that much? I think on a strange, deep surface I have. But at the same time, I know that kid-me is still in there somewhere, and I know I still have a lot of the same feelings and enjoy many of the same things, even now. It's just hard to remember to let go, and tap back into those days. 

I see myself now some days, and see a neurotic, pent up, conformed, uptight girl, but so much of that isn't real. So much of that is only a product of what I've grown to believe an adult should be. It happens to all of us (or most of us anyway) and we often have no control over it. When I think back to what I loved as a kid, I still love the same things now, I just don't act on them so much. When I was a kid, I really did live in that fantasy world that I still see now, but only through parted curtains...

Writing for hours, getting lost in my many stories

Playing all day alone, in my backyard, which was transformed into an entirely new city in my mind

Imagining that I was lost on a mountaintop, and had to become an adventurer to get myself down again

Pretending to be a singer on stage in my room

Poring over picture books, finding as much within the illustrations as possible

Riding my bike up and down my street in my pink jelly shoes

Wishing so much that I had an older brother to look out for me

Putting on cassette tapes and performing the Ice Capades in my concrete basement

Writing love letters to celebrities c/o Big Bop magazine/Burbank Studios

Building snow forts, which would be most comfortable homes for the day

Exploring river banks which felt like enchanted forests

Swimming in any body of water I could find

Hopping along rocks across the river behind my parents house

Skating along the same river in winter

Putting on so many plays for neighbours in my garage or livingroom

Obsessing over pioneer days, and dreaming about living in a wooden home warmed by a fire

Living out imaginary (and more interesting) lives after going to bed

Figuring out how to play songs on my old upright piano

Reading so many books

I suppose I was a creative kid, everything I surrounded myself with was based in some sort of creative thinking. I was often bored my the mundane, normal life we all lived, so I imagined just a little bit more. I wove a few more dreams into my days. The world held so much magic for me, always. Everywhere I looked I saw things the way I wanted to see them instead of the way they really were. 

Unfortunately, I think we tend to lose this easy ability the older we get. We start to worry too much about how we are being perceived, and this is such a sad, sad thing. I love listening to my music loud through my headphones when I walk through the night streets. I lip sync right along, filled with such gusto over every word (but only when I know that no one can see me) I think that is a little reminder that I'm still that kid I was before... sometimes.

Embrace that inner child when you can, it makes life so much sweeter.