It's the end of the year, and I'm on vacation. These two things together tend to get me thinking too much. You know when it's that time that you should be winding down and settling into the holidays, enjoying being at home wrapping gifts? It should be just that, but my brain sometimes won't let that happen. I find myself busy, not able to settle, but not because I have too much to do, it's only because I can't let myself be idle. Idleness brings on even more thinking. So I sweep and I organize and scrub and write and sing and dance to new music, bust out the guitar again which reminds me that I haven't played cello in a while. Anyways, the train in my head goes on and on like that all day, and then the wine comes out.
Trust me, I am not complaining, but sometimes it would be nice if meditation were possible. Ha, but honestly, it's just not. I cannot sit with a quiet head at all. My mediation is walking through nighttime streets, drunk in the snow with music blaring in my ears. The inevitable ringing later a reminder of what I was feeling/thinking/contemplating. Just stop.
For the last few weeks I've been stuck in a circular motion of thought, catapulted by the events I wrote about here. I'm not sure what happened, but things started crackling and sparking in my brain and suddenly it started feeling like my skeleton was too big for my skin. Something wants to come out of me, I wish I could bang it out on a piano, only I've no idea how to play. The thoughts that are in my head are thoughts that shouldn't be there. But at the same time, I don't want them not there. My thoughts make up my being, and I don't wish to change any of that, but damn, it might be nice if I could turn off the old brain for a while.