Monday, November 19, 2012


Friday was a long, sad day at work.  There were many unexpected layoffs which shook up our stable, happy place.  We were all left with anger, confusion and some tears too.  It's true that this is the way of the world these days, and sure you have to look at these things in the most positive way, but it doesn't help the immediate feelings.  Colleagues of mine, who are much, much more than just colleagues, lost their jobs.  It's hard for me to express how upset this makes me feel.  These guys are my friends, some of whom have been more; emotional confidantes who have helped me through hard times like family would.  These sudden occurrences, for the 'benefit' of the company, really hurt us, the little people, so to speak.

I left work early that day.  I felt defeated and had to get away.  I wanted to stand together with my less fortunate friends, but I'm distant, possibly socially inept, so I slipped away instead to think on my own, to find some perspective.  It's impossible to put feelings and emotions into words; emotion has no traditional language, it simply is.

Life is so big I can hardly believe our hearts can hold so much.  Mostly we float through life as usual, nothing much happens or changes; until it just plain does.  I stared out the subway window, watching the setting sun behind high rise buildings that were a huge part of my life.  Life in a grain of sand.  My life flashing before my eyes.  Sometimes things happen and they make us see everything, almost all at once.  We have to choke back the tears as the emotion wrapped up in the memories of this life completely consumes us.  We want to break through that subway window and start running, and not stop until it hurts too much to breathe, until these moments fall into more and more pieces and scatter in the wind like butterflies that we cannot catch.

Moments locked under a bell jar; so near but so impossibly intangible.  Turning away is like walking away from your mother on the first day of school.  Life moves forward because that's the only way it can move, but I want to hold on so tight.  It's impossible not to look back, and I'm constantly looking back.  Perspective.  Every moment makes up the whole, but we'll never know the whole because the moments won't stop until the very end.

Day by day I'll swim in the moments, and remember the ones locked away.  They are all so important; you are all so important.