Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Delving Into the Past

I am swimming in my head right now, way back in my past and it's absolutely amazing (fraught with mega-emotions)  I've just begun the process of sorting through my stuff to prepare for our upcoming move, and the sorting was brought to a halt yesterday when I found all my old journals.  The one I happened to pick up was the one documenting (in great detail) my three years at college.  That was it. The end of all productivity.  I sat myself down and read the story of my life.  Consider me full now.

I don't know where to begin really, but to say that the love I feel for everyone & everything from that time period has eclipsed every emotion right now would be an understatement.  I am forever grateful to myself for keeping these journals because having this ability to go back and relive my past like that has been insane (in a great way)  I can listen to my 18 year old voice again, a voice I hadn't heard in many years, and I can see that I have indeed grown in ways I wasn't entirely aware of before.

Is it silly to say that I love and respect myself a little more now? I want to reach back into my past and hug my 18 year old self. I want to go back in time and sit with her and tell her that everything will be ok one day, that all this emotion is building her up to become who she will become. I could feel my tears, my love, my sadness and all emotion screaming right through those old pages. I could see the mistakes I was making from this future vantage point, often cringing at my decisions and actions, but I was learning all the while.

I was desperate to be loved, desperate for attention.  I had come to college to begin a new life, to escape the highschool days where let's face it, I was a strange loner with few friends.  College was my chance to begin again as a new me, and I did that ten-fold, without really knowing what I was doing. I dove into the arms of many guys (and ran from just as many) creating waves of heartbreak all around me and within me.

I knew in my heart that beginning this new college life would be the inevitable end of my first love Steve and I, and it was. Within a week I could see it plain as day, that my life was never to be the same again.  I burst out of my shell and played the part of the intoxicating girl I had always wanted to be. I thrived on the attention I was getting, so I craved more and more, paving a new road straight ahead. But I see now that paved right over the hearts of others to get to where I wanted to go, and I honestly didn't even know where I was heading.  That was the beauty of life at 18, it was all in our hands, we were indestructible, and so very innocent.

So to those of you who played characters in the story of my college life, I thank you.  Erin, Adam, Kevin, Kelly, Joel, Dan, Drew, Matt, Wes, Mel, Jill, Brad, Marco, Phil, Steve, Laura and so many more, you gave me so much.  Some of you I still have contact with, and others none at all.  Consider this me standing on your doorstep, giving you this note and hugging you once more, loving you with all my heart.  You all gave me so much and I wish I could offer you even half that.  The love I still feel for all of you, just for being a part of my life is huge.  You still mean the world to me.  I put some of you through the ringer, I know, and I'm so sorry for that, alas we were all young and trying to figure out this thing called life, and we did the best we could.  I'm just so very happy I had the chance to do all that living with you. xo

*For a little more on these college years, see this post here*

Read On at MollyButtons!

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