Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alrt. Love Love Love!
...did I mention I love this band?

Do you ever feel like you are a little more embarrassing than others? I feel like such a kid most of the time, and sometimes I feel a little embarrassed by it, but most of the time, it's ok. I find that a lot of the thoughts that run through my head are akin to those that your average 13 year old might think. I guess I feel now, that at the age of 31, I've reached the level of maturity that most 13 year olds have reached.

When I was 13, I was completely unable to think for myself. I had no idea what I wanted, no idea what what others wanted of me, and so I lived my life for everyone else. When you don't know what to feel, you immediately try to figure out what you should feel, running the gamut of thoughts around what you should personify. I was thinking today, as I read a book, that when I was 13, I didn't take a single action for myself. Entirely every move I made was based on what I thought I should be doing. If I was feeling shy or upset, instead of going off for a walk on my own, I simply suffered and told my friends I was "feeling sick" which was always my explanation of why I was being so quiet.

I now wish that I knew how to accept myself when I was 13, and be at peace. The days when I didn't feel like socializing, I wish I had just wandered off on my own, sat on the empty stage in the dark, and not cared about what others thought. But instead, I was full of fake smiles, just trying to put on a front, and be something for everyone else, in the hope that I'd be considered "normal".

At this point in my life, again, I feel like I've reached the level of maturity and self-disposition that most 13 year olds reach. A small level of comfort. A small ability to be myself. As I board the subway with many others, many younger then me, looking so sharp in their work attire, I feel generally happy with my dirty feet, my mismatching clothes and my unbrushed hair (a little secret though...my hair is brushed, it's just naturally a messy disaster)

Why is it always me though, who sits in fruit punch on the subway? The one who gets run over by a stroller? I suppose I know it isn't just me, we all go through these things, and now, the worse things get, the more relaxed I feel, because annoyance after annoyance, all you can do is chill out. Really.

I don't know, I guess all I'm saying, is don't put pressure on yourself. I know you don't know who you are, because none of us know who we are. We spend so much time trying to "figure it all out" when there isn't any one thing to figure out. Life is ever-changing, and we change with it every day. We are going to be a different person every day of our lives, so I guess we damn well start getting used to it. Stop thinking so much hey, and just be.

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