Saturday, February 27, 2010
This is a hard one, talking about how you feel, but all I really have to say is that I do. Where to begin? I guess I can go back, all the way back as far as I can remember, back to where I don't even have memories of happenings, but I can remember how I felt. You know when you wake up from a dream, and you can't really remember what happened in the dream, but you can remember how you felt. This is essentially how I live my life all the time, every day, back from the beginning.
I suppose this is why I started writing in memories, I guess you can say that memories are what I deal in. Every time I sit down to write, I really don't know what I'm going to write about, but then I hear something, or see something, or one of those weird deja vu moments happen and blamo, drivel pours out, and yes, it's always drivel.
Basically, I feel all the time, and it's exhausting. You know when its so hard to explain what's in your mind to someone else, you get frustrated at yourself for not being able explain it, and you just wish you could attach a video camera to your mind so everyone can just plain see what's in your head? But we can't of course. It's even hard to relate feelings here with words. When you feel all the time, you carry the weight of everything on your shoulders all the time. Feeling things that really don't bring anything constructive to your day, things you can't shake, powerful memories you'd rather not remember. And all you can do, on the outside, is smile, and everyone thinks you are ok. I don't mean to insinuate that these feelings are always negative or sad, but it's just that there's so much to feel all the time, all at once.
When people meet me for the first time, I don't make any impression, and I pose no threat. I'm one of those girls who isn't really worth remembering, on the outside. Again, I'm not bringing myself down here, and I'm not questioning my worth, its simply that I know I don't own up to any major impression because everything in my heart remains there quietly, until I get to truly know you. When I meet new people, I'm quiet and uncomfortable, but trust me, I'm feeling many things, and I'm wishing I could speak to you with more ease. I'm not sizing you up at all, I'm not judging, I'm just afraid, and my mind is overactive, leaving no room for actual words. I am the type of girl that takes numerous meetings to remember me by, and its because of this lack of impression. Then, what often happens is, as others become more comfortable quicker than me, I become lost in the background, unable to begin to build that impression, because others have already done so.
When I speak to people of this, they always wave it off and say it isn't true, that I make a fine impression. But in fact, I'd prefer to think its because somewhere deep down, others feel the same way as I do, and they are happy because I took that burden from them. You know how when you meet a group of new people, and your own social ineptness seems to be combusting in your head, you feel thankful (in a weird way) when there is someone else there who seems to be even more awkward then you? It's not at all that I feel better then that other person, it just makes me feel a little more at ease to know I'm not alone, that perhaps there is a little normalcy in my strangeness. Anyway, I wonder if I am normally that 'other person' to other people. My ultimate awkwardness likely makes other awkward people feel less awkward. I am a savior to all shy, uncomfortable people everywhere. If you are about to meet your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, bring me along and I'll make you look fabulous. Better yet, count your lucky stars if I am your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.
As awkward and uncomfortable as I am in a situation, by god, I'm feeling, and the more I feel, the more uncomfortable I become, and the more into the background I am pushed. My memory may not be great for inconsequential things, but when it comes to the way I feel around someone, or the way I felt when someone said something to me, I'll always remember. It may be a curse, but I will always remember when someone wronged me, I will always remember when someone judged me, and it will mark you in my memory (but do not be afraid!) This is not to say that I do not forgive because I forgive, and forgive, and forgive, but I don't ever forget, I feel.