Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Funny Thing About Memories


I suppose this is less of a story, and may come off a little as cheating, but I did say that I would write normal posts too. This post is a real-life, just happened story of reflections. So far, this story a day venture has been just that; a venture. Going back and reliving memories has so far been great, and I've been able to form pictures in my mind that have been gone for a long time. I suspected however, that dealing in memories can actually be a difficult game.

I had an idea in my mind for today's story, and just now sat down to write it. I put on the appropriate music, as I find it's much easier to write of something if you have the corresponding music, if any. To digress a little about music, yesterday's story for instance was entirely inspired by a song I was hearing for the first time, and the song spoke to me, so I let out my thoughts.

So back to today's story / music. I decided I was going to write light-heartedly and fondly of some very specific memories I have, dating back over ten years ago. I put on that special music which is connected so closely with these memories, and began to write. No more than two lines in, it all collapsed, I had to bail. The memories, which are so very important to me, basically refused to be written, demanding more importance, and it's true. I felt the tears coming on, though they are not sad memories, but rather, heart warming ones, times I've locked away inside me, for myself. I deleted my words quickly, took a moment and now I'm reflecting on that moment as today's non-story.

We're complex beings with complex minds, and sometimes our minds will play tricks on us. Sometimes our memories wish to remain in their comfortable homes, nestled where they were made, and I have no choice but to respect that. Do you ever fear that you may replace an important memory with something else, only tarnishing that thought? I often feel this way when I travel to work, with an ipod filled with the music of my life. It's getting harder and harder to enjoy a steady stream of songs, because so many songs already have a place in my head, and they represent a different time. I don't wish the very specific memories associated with "Little Star" by Stina Nordenstam to be replaced by a crowded TTC bus. This may sound crazy, but it absolutely happens. Though, the original memory which was created by the first listening of a song is rock solid, new memories can seep their way in there when you least expect it. Before you know it, you'll hear your most treasured song, which always shuttles you back to your highschool bedroom, crying over your first lost love, only now there's a hooker in the corner of your bedroom looking on. Damn you Queen/Broadview for putting this image in my mind, while listening to this song years later!

That's not to say that the newest members of this memory are entirely unpleasant, as they are memories too, but I cherish the original. Period. I do not wish my memories to be replaced by new ones, I have new songs for those new memories to attach themselves to, thank you very much.

You may argue that I'm living far too much in the past, and that's fine, perhaps it's a little bit true. It's just that I hold some things so dear, I want nothing to touch it, its really as if I hold all of my memories in a giant museum of glass cases. So today's story went unwritten because of this, it's an obstacle I wasn't entirely expecting to come across, but in all honestly, I'm not all that surprised.

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