Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Back for just a moment here...
Crazy emotions lately, what is going on over here? Well, just gettin' through.
Last week I was feeling so good, better then ever. For no reason, just simply felt at peace with everything. I felt like I'd regained the bubble that had previously been burst by such books as Ishmael.

I felt myself loving the world again, loving people (strange, I know) and not giving a shit what anyone thought of me. Life was just a big joke and I played into that doing weird things like going to a random open casting call for a talent/modeling agency (why not?) and they actually accepted me because I have an "unusual look" and "red hair which is rare" (really? is it that rare?)

Anyway, I'm not accepting their offer, I don't actually want to do that, I only went because I had nothing else to do on Sunday.

Ok, but on to this week. I don't feel any of those things anymore. I'm back to my old negative, shy ways. One thing I noticed in my few days of peaceful bliss: the happier I felt generally, the more my panic attacks and anxiety surfaced. It was very strange, and I don't know what the correlation was there. I haven't suffered from anxiety quite like that since 2002, but last week, the better I felt, the more the attacks hounded me. And now that I'm feeling all negative and sad the way I usually do, the attacks are subsiding again.

Its almost as if my own mind / body won't allow me to just be happy hey. Its like as soon as I feel a glimmer of hope, the bad stuff kicks in and says "hey now, if you are going to ignore us, we're gonna throw shit at you!" And as soon as I give into that, they stop throwing shit at me!

Honestly, if I had to choose, I would DEFINITELY choose the blissful bubble with a side of panic attacks over the general feeling of sadness and anger.

On a side note: I've been seriously thinking about getting a second cat for Simon. Simon is gettin' up there and he's turning into quite a vocal, curmudgeony old man. He's almost 9 if you can believe it. I'm hesitant though. I think he's lonely, but at the same time, he might be upset by the addition of a brother or sister (who will likely be named Sizzles after my fave cartoon doggily). I met a foster cat on the weekend who was an amazing little dude, but sheds a lot of white fur...is it ok for me to be that picky? I know a cat is a cat, and not a fashion accessory, but I'm not too interested in having a black cat AND a white cat. I wouldn't be able to go out of the house wearing anything but cat fur.

All will be kept posted.

No comments: