Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This is where I have been lately. I've been doing so much thinking that I can't get my thoughts straight. I have a head so full of so many things, I'm drowning in a mass of blurry thoughts. It's like I can't see the world around me, it's passing by at such a speed that I can't keep up with everything happening around me, and within me.

When I lay in bed at night, reading a book, listening to classical music on my clock radio (the same clock radio I grew up with; my retainer used to sit on top of that thing) I catch a glimpse of who I really am. At least, I see who I used to be, a girl so lost and far behind, but a girl that is still in my heart somewhere. I just have to slow down, allow the inspiration to seep in, and I can breathe. When I can breathe, I can remember, and I become sad.

I remember a girl, so full of life it brought on her demise. One year of intense happiness. I remember Adam, Kevin, Erin, Kelly, Drew, Wes, Matt... I remember a white leather couch, a basement in a house under construction. The Kids in the Hall and Portishead, I remember being afraid, and fear that made me so happy I trembled. I remember the gas fire, me still in my wool winter coat, tears dripping, wetting my hair, and then wishing it had been worse.

I remember passion; I had so much. Laying on my bed back at home listening to Bjork on repeat with visions of a film I was desperate to make, but always too afraid. I still have my notebook which holds all of those inner ideas. Creating scenes for photographs, black and white, the smoke from an incense stick, burning in front of the old slide projector on my bed, but the smoke never smoked enough, and the bulb eventually burned out, though years later.

Who was I then? These passions which propelled me forward through life, turned into jealousy, craziness, the loss of friends, the desire for pain. I have not been able to escape that since. I have lived off of self doubt for 11 years, and I fear that it's turning into irreparable anger. The lines in my face are not a worry of mine, but for the reason that they are there. Where has my laughter gone? I need to find her again before it's too late. I need to find the lost girl who loved too much, locked in her chamber, with the kindest blue eyes he'd ever seen.

Photos: Elena Kalis

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm Back!

Yes, that is Shayne wearing my underwear on his head. It's the latest fashion!

Ok, its been so long since I wrote here that I don't want to dwell on details of everything that's been going on. If you know me, you know things have been good and that's about it! So much of a backlog that I just can't be bothered to give the entire rundown, so I won't. That's actually the reason I've been avoiding writing...backlog. So, in no particular order:

My neighbours saw me naked when I was in my kitchen (my window overlooks their backyard and I tend to make breakfast naked sometimes (I know, you really didn't want to know that) But at least it was after I spent hours hanging out with the whole family downstairs, and not before.

I found out that the weird house-looking-garage behind my place is actually the oldest house on the block. That was the one house here on Gladstone when all else was farmer's fields. Now it is my neighbours personal wine brewery.

Troubadour: Two Many People show...awesome good times! So much fun in the Junction, I actually really like it out there. Too far to live, but great area of the city, I felt like I was in a different town all together.

I had my first ever art show / sale and sold six paintings and made some money off the little Cat Conundrums! It was really fun and I will likely be selling again on Oct. 17th...more on that later, but I am now officially a working artist!

Had some poutine with Lianne and Christopher, some sushi with Erin and Sophy, saw Getachew Mekuria with The Ex with Tess, Daniel, Shayne and Drew (amazing concert) Polish festival on Roncey, beers in the sun, hung out with Jilly at her new Danforth pad, watched a lot of 30 Rock and so begins another weekend. Bye!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Good Day! Good Weekend!

Beautiful, stunning, gorgeous ladies! Shayne and I met up with Erin, Sophy and Helen on Saturday night at La Hacienda (a fave patio of mine these days) for wine. Really nice except the waitress had a stick up her bum. We were asked to leave at 11:00 cause they were closing and I broke a glass by mistake (which pissed off the server...sorry!) We felt like dancing so went across the street to 751 (or is it 721?) and had a ton of fun. This was only the second time I'd been to this bar. The first time, a couple years ago, was when I discovered that it's actually the old Queenshead (so nostalgic) disguised as a new pub. Speaking of nostalgic, Jasmine was even there! Our regular server at the Queenshead way back in the day. Jerry, have you baked her some bread yet??? I didn't talk to her, but I should have. Anyway, lots of motown and moustaches. Check this place out, it's fun (especially in the basement).

Today is so beautiful. Just watching the airshow like everyone else in the can't miss it. Haven't seen the snowbirds yet, only the U.S. Navy planes. Watching the planes with beers all weekend actually, sitting outside on the porch.

Spent a lot of time playing cello this weekend. I'm learning a new song in three parts: voice (got that part down) cello (got that part down now too) but the piano part....oh man. I tried and tried yesterday and it's not happening. The piano is eluding me these days, so I just resorted to playing some of the old tunes I kinda still remember. I'll delve into that piano part again soon because I'm determined. Since John was away all weekend, I was doing all of this musicizing at Shayne's place (he was way up on the third floor the whole time, and I stayed down in the livingroom) Since John wasn't home, I could play cello as loud as possible to my heart's content because there aren't any neighbours to annoy there. My fingers are paying the price.

I love John's living room. Its in disarray right now from all the construction, but it's one stunner of a room. I have a soft spot for these piles of books with paintings on top, its perfectly unkempt and works so well with the huge windows and white walls. It makes me feel super creative, good cello space.

Wednesday met up with Daniel, PJ and Sean who had friends in town from Ireland. Daniel told me his idea for his *second* music video he wants to do with me. The first idea was the vid for my plastic surgery song, but this one is a Julie Doiron song which he wants me to star in. Fun fun fun! Especially because we have to throw a party that night cause the vid takes place at a party. We decided that instead of just pretending a party was going on in the background, we'd just have a party and film at it.

Remember when I took a picture of this same scene last spring? Look how awful! No one has been taking care of these poor trees. So overgrown and dead now :(

hahaha! Jess is an awesome bartender. I have a girl crush on her. Jerry has a real crush on her.

Ok, no one told Shayne and I that we were practically wearing the same outfit. Neither of us noticed this until we looked at the pictures the next day. Is this the same as when people say that after years together, couples start to look like each other? Or worse, they start to look like their pets? Why did we not notice this the entire night?

Friday, September 4, 2009