For those of you who know me well, you know it's been a long, hard couple of years in many ways (mostly in one way). I made a huge life changing decision almost 2 years ago, and with that decision came the ripple effect. Tumultuous hell mixed in with wild happiness. Sometimes when we change one thing, we witness a string of changes that occur as a result of that one thing. The result I experienced was the loss of some of my closest knit, dear friends. My family. It was always the same story, they miss me, its only out of respect (for another), things will never change....promise... I've heard these words, mixed with complete silence for nearly two years. I've been assured, and reassured that nothing has changed between us, that it will never change. Yet my phone has not rung, and my inbox has yielded no mail from them...in years, unless initiated by me.
I have grown so much in this time. The brutal understanding of love, fear and despair has lived behind all the wonderful moments I've had. I went through hell, twice in a row and these friends were not there for me to lean on. I found love and these friends were not there to celebrate with me. I became an artist, selling my work, receiving recognition for my talents, and these friends were not there to congratulate me. I turned 30 and these friends were not there to share that once in a lifetime memory with me.
Why, you ask do I still consider them my friends? Its because that is how my heart still feels. I cannot simply accept fate and let go of what I love. I am still filled with so much love for all of you, even though its shrouded in complete sadness. A sadness I don't wish on anyone. A sadness which comes from deep within, when you feel beyond a doubt, that your friends, your family, have no need or want for you any longer.
What did I do? I lived.
All I have ever done is live. I have struggled, loved, laughed, accomplished, given, listened, faltered, succeeded, screwed up, flourished, helped, advised, hurt.... I am human. All I have ever done is be human. Why must I be chastised for this, my only weakness? I have spent countless hours in tears and confusion over all of you. And still I love. Still I have strength, and believe that things will change, believe that all the positive things you say are true, may actually one day be true. That one day I'll be embraced again, invited to your parties again, receive words of affection and encouragement again, sit with you under the night sky drinking a chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio surrounded by laughter...one day perhaps I'll be able to tell you once again how my day has been...how my life has been...
We are all human, and we are all in this life together. Hold on to love and make things right again. But for this one huge upset, my life is good. I am happy, and I want to be happy with all of you. I want you to want to be happy once more, with me.
And to those of you, my wonderful friends who have stood by me; thank you. I would not have life without any of you. You know who you are and I cherish you for living life with me, and what a wonderful life it has been xoxoxo.
Life is worth it. Make it worth it. We're all in this journey together.
Happy anniversary Grandma and Grandpa xoxo.
And to leave on a completely different note: eerie pictures of the fumigation at work...